Thursday, December 31, 2009
I don't feel so connected to this community, so I was you to know more about me. I will not expose my age for now, because I want to think that you're judging my thoughts and personality rather than what I am. I hope you understand what I mean, because that did not make sense. I've been debating for now if I should just spill my history and current thoughts, and I think I will. I need to get it off my chest, because really, nobody knows.
I've always been self conscious of my body. I was always 'normal' sized, I had a good appetite, I was a smart kid. I was always playing, and I absolutely adored drawing. The thing is though, all my friends were petite, naturally thin and beautiful. I was the short and stumpy one, always. It didn't matter how pretty I looked or what I wore, it was height and weight. I was eight years old.
I remember being in the shower and looking down at myself, trying to figure out what this feeling was I had towards myself. It didn't feel good at all. I'd run my hands over my body and feel disgusted. I didn't understand why I felt like this, or how to stop feeling so bad about myself. What really triggered me was when I met my best friend, when I was ten. She was my next door neighbour and we instantly clicked. We both shared an interest in horses and dance. Let's call her Olivia. Olivia has everything; flexibility, looks, an athletic body, and a killer smile. This is when I started sucking in my stomach. I did it so often, it became natural. I still do it today; around my parents, my friends, everyone.
I used to love summer, but it became such a bad thing for me during my childhood. It meant more exposure of my body. It meant feeling bad. I refused to walk around in a bikini because I felt awful. Still, at ten, I didn't understand why I hated myself so fucking much.
I experimented dieting at ten, cutting out bad food and eating healthy. I didn't exercise, although I was always out playing and I horseback rode a couple of times a week. I eventually gave up, as any short spanned, ten year old would.
The years went on, and the feeling got worse. I never told anyone about it, because I didn't quite understand what was happening to me myself. I have always been self conscious, I've always sucked in, and through the years I've tried dieting. Sometimes it was successful, but eating made me feel bad, and it wasn't a good enough result.
Last year, this anxiety really took it's toll. I started restricting, refusing to eat more than I allowed myself. I was terrified of putting on weight, of becoming fatter than I already was. The voices got louder, they were no longer innocent whispers. They were cruel but loving voices, telling me what was good and bad for me. I believed them. Restricting gave me power and confidence. I was able to control something nobody else could, I was stronger than everyone else. I could do what they couldn't. Last year was also when I stumbled across pro ana, and these blogs. I was amazed. Being the curious person I am, I investigated deeper in to these sites. I couldn't believe it; here are people that share the same problems and feelings with me. I'm not alone. I continued reading through these blogs as the year passed, finding such support and strength from them. This year, I decided to join. I was thrilled that for once, someone wasn't putting me down. I was offered support. This brings us to today.
I'm scared to label myself as 'disordered'. Am I really? I question myself everyday, even though I feel as if I know the answer. Yes. It just feels scary to say it, but now I am getting used to it. I kept telling myself, I can't be labelled by anyone but the doctor, but really, why the hell would I confess this to someone like that? They'll only take it away from me. This is my world, my problem, my comfort, my life.
So yeah, that's my sob story. Hugs to those who actually read it. Now you know a little more about me.
Today has been an up and down. Had cake this morning, purged it in the shower. I find ice cream and chocolate the easiest to purge, and I also know that I should NOT know that. I don't want to be friends with Mia.
I'll update with my resolutions later, this post is long enough as it is.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Fasting tomorrow because there is a pretty good chance I will be drinking tomorrow night. I don't drink much at all, other than big events like weddings, christmas, etc. It makes me feel icky, but I'm craving freedom right now. I wanna get hammered and chill out. Sans the calories.
Dinner - 400
Cake - 200 ):
Chocolate - fuck knows, purged it.
Purged successfully this time, but it feels like my sinuses are on fire. Let's not make this a habit s'il-vous-plait.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Back to school next week, means back to French. Dear lord, I suck at speaking French.
Thank you all for the Happy Birthday's and the comments. And for the watchers! I never noticed I had fifty-four, good God. I love you all, for whatever reason you're following my blog.
New diet; Green tea and fruit! I wanna cut all the greasy, yucky stuff out of my diet. Mostly because I feel better and more energetic when it's all natural. Still restricting as usual.
I've been eating dairy all day and I feel like shit. I found out from my doctor that I'm intolerant to peanuts. Thank god, I'm a sucker for peanut butter.
Short update; failed today, of course. Tomorrow and New years will be a new beginning.
I'm not feeling too bad about it, because it wasn't a binge. I can't really.. binge anymore unless it's fruit and vegetables.
I'm off to watch anime, draw, and drink green tea.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
thank god my mother didn't get me a cake. i'm beginning to be thankful for being lactose intolerant. but you know what she did get me? a mirror. a full size, big ass, fucking mirror.
THERE IS A REASON I DIDN'T HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM, KAY THANKS.
she must've been fed up with me standing in her room, staring at her own mirror for hours. i'm a basement dweller, i'm not supposed to retrieve to the surface. no, not really. i can't stand being in the house, it's too close the the food.
anyways, i've been munching on skittles and mints for the past three days. i've not even finished half a bag of either, so i suppose it could be worse.
i think i should post a picture of what i look like right now. i'm going to seriously regret this.
i'm seriously thinking about getting my collarbones pierced. dermal piercings do look quite sore though. i pierced my own belly button in the eighth grade, and i get injections all the fucking time, so it can't be that bad. i don't even fucking care, i'm going to do it. (:
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
The past few days have been.. eventful. I'm throwing everything up I eat or it's going RIGHT through me, if you know what I mean. I've been chewing on wintergreen mints all day, being cautious because there is 50 calories in four of those things?!
Time to get back on track, I swear this food is the reason I'm getting sick.
It's all poison.
Oh yes, and now I'm lactose intolerant and my body creates antibodies against wholewheat?
Goodbye dairy and bread. ;)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
why am i typing and not using proper puncutations and not writing in shorter sentences because my mind cannot stop. why are these thoughts going a hundred miles per hour and not thinking about the things that are important and need to be done. why am i complaining on a blog when no one really wants to listen to my rants because really, that's all i seem to do. why do i want to cry but no tears are pouring down my face?
this is bizaare, and not like me. well yes, completely like me.
next saturday i'm going to a formal party and i really don't want to go with my thin friends because i look terrible in dresses although i love them and would be happy to wear them for the rest of my life if i lost about thirty pounds. i need to be thin, thinner, thinnest. i want to be cold and fragile looking and always need hugs because i might just freeze in this arctic wind and be blown away like my thoughts.
now, i'm off to drink tea, watch anime, and think about doing that homework although it will never get done.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
J is getting in my head. He temporarily convinced me I was okay the way I was, when I am most definitely not. His last girlfriend gives me motivation; tall, thin, beyond pretty. I've come to the conclusion he's only calling me beautiful because that's a boyfriend thing. He's obviously lying, because I can't figure out what the fuck he sees in me. I need to stop listening to him and do what I want to fucking do.
ANYWAYS, I have a new plan pour moi. Since it's December, I will start off easy. You're probably wondering what the fuck I'm on, but this is what I'm doing. Every single day has to be under 1000 calories. No fucking binges, or no Christmas presents for me. 500 is preferred, but I'll mix it up to keep my metabolism going. I don't think I'll have the guts to go past 800 unless I have that binge feeling, but I can't fuck this up.
Therefore, today is day one! So far I have had 100 calories, and tonight I will have dinner and that will be all. Lots of water, no food.
I will post pictures at 105lbs. Whenever that is. :\
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
that beautiful boy, whos name shall be J, has asked me to be his. i'm terrified. i'm a horrible lover, i never do anything right, i don't like public affection, i feel dirtydirtyfatfatfat. his last girl was skinnythinbeautiful, and i really, really don't live up to that. he is thin and tall, i am short and fat. what connection is there here, my dear. he says i'm beautiful, i know he is lying. i look in the mirror, but i can't see what he sees. i starestarestare, but all i see is fat, rolls, short, not good enough, help. he wants to go further, i won't until i lose, starve, get skinnier. i hyperventilate at the thought of seeing myself naked. fuck.
eating has been.. strange. i had some amazing days last week, but this weekend has been a disaster. i have been totally out of it, floating from place to place, holding the hands of friends and the ones i love. eating, no i don't want this, no just take it, okay. i'm scared to be alone and i don't want anyone to come near me. where has this attitude come from? i demand an explanation.
here they go again, fucking me over.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
What is balance? I seem to have forgotten. I can't eat without seriously restricting, or binging until food oozes out of my pores. I can't remember how I used to eat. Those habits have been replaced with new ones. I can't eat normally. It's not enough and way too much. Who ever heard of the girl who forgets how to eat? I can't remember what normal looks like, feels like, is supposed to be like. Nothing is normal, my perspective is fucked; tilted on an angle. What I'm doing feels normal, and then it doesn't anymore. It feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Then it welcomes me back with open arms and I'm in bliss again. I'm afraid to fall asleep. I go to bed, thinking about what I'll do tomorrow and how strong I'll be. How I'll be floating above everything else in dreamland. I wake up miserable, knowing everything will fall apart. Someone ripped out my stitches when I was asleep, pulling out the wiring in my brain. It's confusing me to no ends. Is anyone else feeling like this?
I'm going out with a beautiful boy on Friday. I don't want to go; I can't. I skipped school last Friday because I binged the day before and I was so humiliated. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror, so how can I picture myself with him? He's fucking skinny, and so was his last girlfriend. I don't fit in to this equation, it's not possible. I'd rather sit at home with my black coffee and read books, curled up in a warm cocoon of blankets. I am not a social butterfly anymore. I can't stand going out with friends.
Moving on from that, thank you so much for following my blog and reading about my miserable failures. I appreciate it more than anything in this world, to know some people aren't trying to bring me down.
I asked my parents for a new Laptop and a pet rat for Christmas. They said I can only have one.
I chose the pet rat.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
let's have a re-cap of the last few days, shall we? saturday, fast. sunday, 270 calories. monday, same sunday. tuesday, 440 calories. today? biggest fucking failure of my lifetime. i want to scream, eat, cry, eat, attempt purge, eat, fuckeveryfuckingthing, then fuckingeatmyfuckingfaceoff. what is wrong with me? the last few days went by perfectly. i was hopeful i was beginning to lose. i felt light and airy and dizzy that even if i fell off the highest cliff i would float down like a balloon. why did i give up this feeling, exactly? because i'm an unworthy, binging cow. the amount of calories i ate today was twice as much as i'd eaten the last four days. i'm a failure. i want to scream until the world falls down. i want to purge but my body won't let go. i want to hide under every blanket i have and sleep there for weeks. my grades are fucking horrible, my friends hate me, and i can't even do this?
the train always manages to fall off the track, or find a way to fuck it all up. this train needs fixed or replaced, before it explodes in to a million pieces.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I'm not writing much because I put fake nails on, and they're pissing me off.
It's hard to type.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Are negative calorie fruits real, or is it just a myth? Everywhere I look, they have both sides of the battle. I need one side, kay thanks. One of my.. friends, K, is accusing my other friend, E, of having an eating disorder, and she's being extremely uptight about it. It's hysterical. I have to sit there at lunch biting my tongue. E is fucking pale, and always has been. She's lost quite a bit of weight over the past two years, but not drastically. I don't fucking care what either of them have to say, as long as I get skinnier. Ha.
I apologize, again, for not commenting on blogs. I've read them all, I promise. I have a month's worth of school work to catch up with because of the hospital-sick-diabetes-don'tfuckingknow situation. I was off for three-four weeks, because everyone is overreacting about the H1N1 bullshit. I'd be happy if I got the Swine Flu, it's an excuse not to eat.
Aren't I just the most pessimistic person you've ever met?
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I want to curl up in a ball and never see the daylight again. I will make a nest in the bathroom and live off the water from the sink. No food will ever enter my mouth and travel through my body, and the weight will drop off me like rainwater. I will be delivered books and new music through the letterbox I will build in the door. I will read about things I'd never imagine glancing at, and explore every genre of music. I will paint the walls with literature, a hundred thousand words staring holes in my back. I'll learn every language spoken. Monday I'll be singing in Latvian and Tuesday I'll be scalding myself in Chinese. The only other contact I'll have will be with my pet rat, Harold. We'll live happily forever until the world crumbles beneath the cracks of the universe and everything is engulfed in darkness.
I have to stop dreaming and keep in touch with reality. The days float by, minutes tick slowly, but the hours pass too fast. The calorie counter keeps increasing, until it exceeds it's limit and explodes into a thousand shards. The feelings are not vivid, but I try to believe they are. The work is whining to be done, but I pretend it's not there. It can wait, it's not priority. Wait, yes it is. It is priority, but it's not important enough for me to care. I'm piecing my sanity back together with tape, but it's not strong enough. It will work temporarily, but it's only making it's condition worse. Ariana put her life back in the toy box and somebody else has already taken it.
Nine hundred and fifty calories today. Each, single calorie is eating away at my brain. Fat, failure, weak, disappointment, unworthy, fuck you, youfailfailfail. You can't do this, nobody wants you, go curl up in your box and don't come back. You're on time out, you need a life, you need mental help. No, I'm quite fine, thank you.
I need a plan. I need a schedule. I need something to make me think I'm alive, in this time period, not a ghost floating by this century. I want friends, I want him, but he doesn't want me no more. He threw Ariana in the trash can and didn't bother to recycle. He knows, he knows, he knows. He knows everything, he reads my mind, I'm scared. He's planted tape recorders in my brains and feeds on my thoughts. Who wants anything to do with this silly, messed up little girl? I don't blame him, in all honesty.
The doctors can erase my mind, but the obsession is embedded in my blood. It rules my soul, my life, my body. I can't control it anymore. What is this?
Friday, October 16, 2009
The biggest reason I'm posting is because I need somewhere to rant. Shocker, I know. I did promise I wouldn't whine anymore, but this deserves to be ranted about. They now have a Starbucks in our shitty little town. This is fucking huge. Starbucks was my saviour, my love, my heroine when I lived in the city. When I moved to where I currently live now, I found out they didn't have it. I almost had heart failure. And just when I'm getting used to not having my daily dose of love, they bring it over here? Fuck you, Starbucks. You and your amazing, calorie-filled cappuccinos. My mom also got these amazing sugar cookies. They only sell them on Valentines and Halloween, and they're fucking good. I had one yesterday and today, but I honestly can't wait until they're gone. They're is 180 calories in one of those little fuckers. That's a big ass dent in my intake. I want to pull my hair out and lock myself in my room. I can arrange that. /rant
Oh wait, one more thing. It's snowing. It's fucking snowing. Is mother nature mad at this little place? Did we do something to upset you? I apologize for all of us. So please, just bring back the fucking Fall. It's the only season I like.
I had to go back to the doctor's office again. Poke, poke, poke. I'm on iron supplements and some other shit. I blocked out the bitch completely and let my mom listen, since she insisted on coming. All I know is that they want more of my blood. Holy shit.
This post sounds intellectual. Sarcasm.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thank you for the music suggestions, Stick Thin and Tabbi! I loved every single band and singer. New music is so refreshing. Mwah.
Anyways, it's a two day school week, which is fabulous. I should be studying for what, five tests that I think I have. I don't even know what subjects, so fuck it all. I was sick, that's a good enough excuse. Je ne pense pas. Tuesday and Wednesday will both be under 500 calories, because I need to get back on track. If I stay off the track any longer, I'll lose sight of it and I'll be wondering through the land of desperation and misery. Oh, shit! The doctors are stealing more blood from me on Wednesday, I completely forgot. That's too bad, because no amount of blood is stopping me from restricting, mes amis. They can all go to hell, because I stopped caring a long time ago.
I still need to call my friends, I forgot to do it. Shit. I've been rather forgetful recently. No, I'm pretty sure I've always been.
I'm thinking I should go watch Gossip Girl and throw inanimate objects at the TV because they're all so glamorous and beautiful and perfectperfectperfect. That sounds perfect.
I'm sorry I haven't done any commenting. I'm sorry I seem so selfish to complain about myself then not bother to even encourage others. I'm sorry I'm coming across as a self centered bitch. I'm sorry I'm such a fucked up mess that is currently hysterical over so many things. But I swear to the high heavens, I will comment tomorrow, or the day after. I swear, I promise, I bow down on my fucking knees.
Now, off to do homework and watch Gossip Girl.
Love you all, stay strong, beautiful and happy!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I am thinking once I break 100lbs I will post pictures. Although I'm short and small and childish-looking and self conscious. Too self conscious for this strange personality I possess. Although it will take some time before I break that banner because I am slow and the nurses are stalking me and my blood won't lie and my parents won't SHUT UP. But I will try and swear to fucking god I will get there because I won't give up. As long as the peanut butter and the bread and the cheese and the oreos and the ice cream will stop crawling into my head and stealing my thoughts. No more excuses! Ariana is going to do it or die trying. Ha ha ha ha! And if I don't, you all have to tell me what a downright utter waste of space I am, but that won't happen because I will get there if it means sewing my mouth shut. Now I'm getting ahead of myself and making myself excited over nothing.
Anyways! I must go bake a chocolate cake against my will for Thanksgiving tomorrow to show that I actually do care even though skipping that gathering would be heaven. I will resist and the batter will not jump into my mouth and I will not want it and I will not throw the bowl at the wall because it pissed me off. Tomorrow will be nothing more than Thanksgiving dinner. Other than that, water, black coffee, and my dear Diet Coke.
I am thinking I should call my friends to let them know I am alive and out of hospital even though they don't care and have no interest for me. I am thinking I should just disappear off the side of the earth and never ever talk to them until I have to or until they actually remember I'm a human being that they pretend to like! Then I will pretend to be relieved they care, or just ignore their calls all together. That sounds better.
One more thing! I need music. Anything! I don't care if it makes me go What the hell, or makes me cry, or makes me depressed or seriously happy, just anything. Thinspirational, amusing, upbeat, slow, show me whatcha got.
Love you all, stay strong, beautiful and happy!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I question myself everyday. Why. Do. I. Do. This. A have a thousand answers and can't even say one. I sit here eating, imagining the places I'll go and the things I'll do when I reach t.h.i.n. I'm excited, inspired, motivated. Then I think about what I'm doing. Eating. Thinking. What's wrong with this picture? Nothing. Everything. I'm speaking my own language that nobody can understand. I'm stomping my feet but nobody listens. Hello, over here. I fell through the looking glass but the ghosts pushed me back out. Permission denied. Nope, non, never. I promise tomorrow will be better, but it seems today keeps dragging on. The cycle never stops. Wash, rinse, repeat. The voices only taunt me when I'm alone. Even the music can't drown out their noise. I breathe out my dreams and inhale the disappointment, the reality.
I'm thinking that I should stop hiding, and start now.
I'm thinking about the boy who is going to hurt himself when he sees I'm nothing.
I'm thinking about everyone else, because I know how they feel.
I'm thinking about how I can't remember what feeling thin is like.
I'm thinking about how I've been there, and how it should be easy if I've walked the trail before.
I'm thinking about how I don't know what day it is, because the pounds only matter.
I'm thinking about how I could sleep forever.
I'm thinking about why my body hurts, why my kidneys hurt, why my head hurts.
I'm thinking about why this post doesn't make sense and how depressing it sounds.
I'm thinking about how I could go on forever about my thoughts.
I always have much more to say, but when I actually get here I'm speechless. I'll waste the hours away, thinking about what to post, but I never remember. So literally, today sucked fucking ass. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to rip my skin to shreds but I won't because I'm too scared and tired to attempt. I want to sleep the weight away. Maybe if I sleep for three months, I'll wake up and scare myself because I'll be skinnier and that's something I haven't seen in forever. Then I'll put war paint on my face and run through the town naked to see if anyone recognizes me. Now I'm getting carried away.
I'm sorry for the silly posts, the endless rants, the emotional spillings, and all the other shit I've been posting lately. It will stop once I hit reality again.
And to all my watchers, you're all fucking amazing. I love every single one of you. I haven't commented on anyone's blog because I'm scared I'll say something ridiculous, because I've been in that mood the past couple of days.
It's Thanksgiving on Monday and I'm fucking terrified.
Friday, October 9, 2009
As I mentioned in my previous post, I said I was going to the doctor's that day. So I went, sat in a waiting room with whining kids and sweaty adults, and after two fucking hours, I was finally called in. The reason I actually went is because I have been having stomach/kidney/everyfuckingthing problems for the past year. Of course when the word 'stomach' pops up, they make you pee in a container. Ah, oui! C'est terrible. So I did what I was told like a good little girl. They came back in and said they're was sugar in my pee. They pricked my finger, and my blood sugar was high. You know what they tried to tell me?
I have fucking diabetes.
If my mom hadn't have grabbed my hand out of shock, I would've punched that doctor square in the face. Up to the hospital for you, Ariana! I had to stay overnight. They poked, prodded, and stole my blood. They were one hundred percent sure I had diabetes. I was a one hundred percent sure I did not. But yes, she has diabetes, no kidney problems, no bladder problems, no her heart is too fast. No, nothing is wrong with her. No, everything is wrong with her. Take more blood, just to be sure. Run tests, give her drugs, make her fly through the windows and float to the clouds. Lock her in a glass box, poke her with needles, but don't touch her. Don't ever touch her. She might reawaken the beast inside her, and swallow you whole.
Every two fucking hours they pricked my finger, all through the night. I didn't sleep. The monsters hid lurked inside the walls, trying to claw their way inside my head. They're going to make you better. No, they'll kill you. No, listen to me. No, only I matter! I block everyone out. I lock my doors and close the windows. My friends do not care. If I don't die, they don't have to pretend they care. Everything is fine, quite dandy, absolutely fabulous.
In the morning, I am clear of diabetes. Ariana is not infected. Everyone celebrates, I sit and stare. I fucking told you so. But she is not finished, not yet. One problem figured, a thousand more to fix. My kidneys are spazzing, whining about too much sugar, not enough. They're blaming the ibuprofen I was taking. They're saying everything is to do with over-the-counter drugs, the magical pills. I say this is bullshit, and that my kidneys are fine. My body is my body, so let me do what I want. I am not diabetic, I do not have kidney/bladder/mental problems, you're just trying to screw with me and get inside my head. I will not you let you do this, Mr Doctor, so leave me alone. I've sewn myself shut, and it would hurt to much to peel out the stitches.
I am free of the gloves, the hand sanitizer, and the nurses that suck up. I am done of peeing in containers and bleeding fingers. I am being treated as an outpatient. Ariana has to go back for more blood tests to see what's messing with her head, no body. I will be monitored like a little child, force fed, and tucked in at night. It's absolutely fascinating that they never even thought that I wasn't eating on purpose. I'm just relieved.
Anyways, I will come back to sanity and entries that make sense, if that's possible. I've been stuffed to my limit the past few days, so I don't even want to know how much I've gained. Since they're prying more blood from my sore, whining veins on Wednesday, I'm really not in the mood to be debated over again. I'll eat a little more than usual, and keep it healthy so my tests will come back somewhat sane.
And here's the best part. They gave me laxatives. Why? Fuck if I know. I'm not complaining, though. Well, I'm exhausted from thirty six hours of no sleep sans coffee. If you read any of this, or if it even makes sense, you will be the love of my life.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I felt light and dizzy this morning. But not the I-haven't-eaten-and-I-feel-wonderfully-light feeling, the I'm-sick-and-I'm-going-to-fall-on-my-face kind of dizzy. All I've eaten is carbs. I will now try to cut these devilish dissapointments out of my life. Au revoir! Not absolutely, totally, completely. This will be a gradual process, because I am addicted to bread. I love it, hate it, and want to flush it down the toilet or stab it with a steak knife all at the same time. I'm already at 530 calories today, but I'm shit scared about the doctor. I planned to run when I got up this morning, but it was pouring buckets, and I can hardly walk down the stairs. I suck.
Anyways, I think I'll go take vitamins.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Oh my goodness, how I envy her perfect collarbones, arms, and legs.
Today has been amazing so far. Intake is at zero, but my stomach, or whatever the fuck is in there, is attacking me with an axe. It hurts, so bad. I actually left school because I was in so much fucking pain. I couldn't sit down without squirming and receiving weird stares. Heh, I'm such an awkward girl. I'll be able to skip le souper, hopefully. Maybe this could turn out to be an amazing food-free day? I hope so.
So, here's a rant of jealousy and envy. I was out around town yesterday, and my mother wanted to come. I let her, but she was being a whiny bitch the whole time. Anyways, I went to a shoe store and there major thinspo. This girl who worked there was a fucking angel. She was an amazon though, like six feet tall? And extremely thin. I was scared her collarbones were going to pop out of her skin, and I loved it. Now, being a stumpy 5"1, I was completely envious. I have to rely on fucking heels to make me look taller. I want to be petite, though. Small, fragile, skinny. I was watching the video for 'Ignorance' by Paramore, and Hayley's legs are so fucking SKINNY. She's around the same height as me, therefore, I wanna look something like that.
Then of course I dragged through the supermarket. There was so many things. My eyes caught the ice cream, the poptarts, and the cookies, but my hands grabbed the insides of my pockets. I was talking to myself the whole time, saying 'Idonotwantthis.'Idonotwantthis. Idonotwantthis. Idonotwantthis.' It worked, but I think I disturbed a five year old girl and her mother.
Enough of my childish ranting, I must now do the homework I have been procrastinating for two days. I know it will not get done, but I shall try, maybe. I will go comment on blogs first, because I've read them all. I get really excited and girly-giggly when I see someone has posted. Is that weird? It's hard to define what's normal and strange with me.
Anywho, stay strong.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Yesterday when by with flying colours! Or colors, whichever nation station you are currently boarding at. I ate around 370 calories, which was pretty good. Why so bad today? My tummy feels all warm and fuzzy, but it's rather funny feeling. Maybe the beast in the pit of my stomach is plotting against me, her cauldron swallowing up her wrath and dissapointment. Then she'll attack at the weakest moment and inhale all the food that enters my mouth. She'll sprinkle it with magical dust which will make my fat expand even more.
Think positive. Positive, positive, positive. Okay, well I didn't binge. 700 isn't what I wanted, but it's still a good 800 under the recommended intake. I feel full after eating chicken noodle soup, so my stomach must be shrinking. Thinking about chicken noodly soup is making me more nauseous. Tomorrow I will not go over 500, and I will slowly start cutting back more from there. Keep the goal in mind, never drift away from what I want.
Goals. Speaking of goals, I want to be under 100lbs by Halloween. I don't care if I'm a 99.9lbs for that to work, I just want to break the triple digits. I'm at 110 just now. Is that a reasonable goal, or am I just flying high? Is it unreasonable? I really need to know.
I'm cold, and I must go to the shitload of homework staring at me just now. I have read all your superduper blogs, and I'm sorry for the lack of comments. I feel horrible for being such a lurk. 20 Followers! You girlies, and guys if any, are all so amazing.
Think thin and stay strong
Saturday, October 3, 2009
My eating has been good, normal, terrible, but no worries, that will change! Ariana feels on top of the world right now, which is a very selfish exclamation, especially since my eating was unexplainable yesterday. I found a new way to curb my cravings, yes I have! I shove a spoonful of yogurt in my mouth and stop whining, run downstairs to my cave, and read all your lovely blogs. This yogurt is my new best friend. 35 calories in 100 ml, 600 ml in a big ass container. And it tastes amazing. Except for the aspartame, which in gnawing away at my knees and wrists. Oh, joy.
My biggest rant today, is the fucking male species. Why must one enter my life at such a critical point?! Meeting the most amazing boy is one thing, liking him and having him like you back is a whole other situation. I'm sorry Mr. Amazing, but I can't get involved with you. Now, let me return to my self-centered antics and lock me up in my box where the walls are plastered with thin models and screaming girls. If I can't make time for my friends, then you certainly don't stand a chance. Oh, I feel so horribly guilty! But life goes on, I doubt he would've lasted with me and my wired mind.
Enough of my whining, moaning and ranting, I hope all you amazing girls and guys are still going strong, and hopefully doing better than I am. Talking about my eating, I've had around 50 calories already today, from yogurt and le café and hopefully that piggish monster sleeping in the pit of my stomach won't wake up and try to claw her way into my head and tear apart my plans.
Now, I must go get my new phone, so I have an excuse not to catch up on the shitload of work I've missed at school. Oh, the wonders of life.
If there happens to be any typos, blame the insomnia. And thank you to all the amazing followers! I love you all.
Stay Strong && Think Thin
Friday, September 11, 2009
I've been so bad this week. Binge, binge, binge. Endless strings of calories forcing themselves down my throat in a rush, while my sickly stomach churned, churned, churned. Eating away the stress, stress, stress. School started on Tuesday. Ariana is not a creature of change. I hate new things, I hate different teachers, new schedules, unfamiliar classmates. It makes me panic immensely. I can't take overwhelming things like that. I'm most likely over exaggerating and being dramatic, but that's how I am.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I'm fucking freezing.
I have been all day.
I'm not complaining, because I love warm blankets.
I want an electric blanket.
I think i'll be putting that on my 'Christmas List'.
I could get that for my birthday actually.
Since it's two days after christmas.
Total calories for today comes to around 500 calories.
I only had supper, but it was burgers and stuff.
I had one small burger and corn.
I love corn.
I also got the book, Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson.
Thank you so much, Ana's Girl for recommending it. (:
It's an AMAZING book, and I have fifty or so pages left.
I got it last night, and I can't seem to put it down.
I'm horrible at stretching out books if I really like them.
I was going to get Wasted, but they didn't have it in.
Wintergirls was also a staff pick, which I was surprised about.
Actually, no I'm not.
I'm in love with that book.
I'm so fidgety today.
I keep having strange dreams about school too.
Two more days.
Scratch that, a day left.
I don't want to go back.
Speaking French isn't my thing.
Every class is in French.
I wonder if I'll be relieved when I'm officially bilingual.
Though I'll always regret going in french immersion.
Or will I?
I certainly don't.
Enough of my whining.
I want a text buddy.
But it needs to be within Canada.
Because I'm Canadian.
Not technically, but I live there.
I'm in a talkative, emotionless mood.
That really doesn't make sense.
I'm still cold.
Doesn't help I'm sitting by a window, I guess.
I'm so sorry I haven't been commenting.
I've been really busy.
I feel awful, but I promise I will sometime.
Stay Strong && Think Thin
Friday, September 4, 2009
i went shopping yesterdayyy. got a new bag for school and things. we were in the superstore and my mom asked me if i wanted something. i came back with gum, because i seriously needed it. her attitude.. changed. in the car, she flipped. she. FLIPPED. out. she kept asking me what was wrong, if i was trying to lose weight, why i wasn't eating as much, why i was eating healthier. she just notices NOW?! i've been doing this for months, as i've previously mentioned. then she totally stepped out of line. she said i was just like my real dad. i believe that's the same guy she criticizes all the time, saying he ruined her life, lied to her, and stuff like that? yes. apparently, i'm just like him. i totally freaked out. then i suddenly burst into tears, DAMNIT. i totally shut her out, though. answered NOTHING. she wants to weigh me and wants me to see a doctor. i told her fuck no, and i'm not a kid anymore. than ended the conversation perfectly. i know it's her job to be concerned, but being in my fucking face ALL the time wasn't part of the deal.
so that pissed me off last night, but i didn't anymore, and that's all that matters.
i had a dentist appointment this morning. i had to get ceiling touch ups on my back teeth. holy shit, it tastes disgusting. it tastes like bile. they said not to eat gum for two hours.
too fucking bad.
my mom made me eat cereal, so that's 200 calories already today. damn. i'll have supper, then that's it. i may have coffee/tea, or my beautiful Crystal Lite. i think all day about what i'll write on my blog, then i forget. typical.
stay strong && think thin
Thursday, September 3, 2009
i want hipbones.
i want a gap between my legs.
and i will get it.
one way or another.
total intake for today has been 330 cals.
i'm pretty happy with that.
i found this amazing piece of heaven in five cals.
it's only 30 cals a pack for 1.5 liters.
it tastes amazing, pink lemonade.
i had a low calorie microwave meal for supper.
that as well, tasted pretty good.
all for 300 calories.
going to the mall and book store later.
stay strong && think thin
my favourite thinspo everr.
i just realiazed how alike they look.
plus i pulled a muscle in my thigh yesterday, but no excuses.
i'll try not eat tonight, if i can avoid it.
but i doubt that.
i'm going shopping tonight anyways, so i'll probably update then/after.
stay strong & think thin
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
oh so, FAT.
i don't deserve supporters.
i don't deserve food.
i don't deserve to be skinny.
i don't deserve anything.
because i binged.
i fucking binged.
even though the voice screamed and told me to stop, telling me i'd get FAT. and i didn't listen.
because i'm weak. i was supposed to fast, but no. i didn't. i went over 1000 cals, and i didn't even consider safe foods. healthy foods. even though i went horseback riding, and rode hardcore for over an hour, it still didn't satisfy me. my legs are aching. my head is pounding. why must i fail at everything? i tried to purge, but only a little bit of food came up, then my stomach refused to give up more.
why must i be so weak?
starting tomorrow, i will not go over 500 cals until monday.
i will suceed, because if i don't, i will punish myself for it.
i will excercise for over an hour everyday, and go for a walk every morning.
i will. fucking. do it.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
nice change, mom. just keep trying to shove greasy pizza in my face. she decided on pizza at the last minute, so that was a WHATTHEFUCK moment. i was pissed beyond belief. i had two small pieces, that came in at 375 cals, while the rest of my family stuffed their faces with a load of other shit. i chugged a bottle of water after, because i felt another part of me wanting more, but then there's another part thats screams at me not to. it screams bad things in my head, like how FAT i'll get, and how all those empty calories will go to thighs and stomach. holy shit, i sound INSANE. i'll refer to that voice as 'she', instead of saying THAT SCREAMING VOICE. i'm not making any sense now, sorry.
i'm going to go do 200 sit ups, some crunches, and other things to burn these useless calories. the scale is trying to fuck me over too. the first time i stepped on it, it said 108.2 lbs. i did that for three times and it stayed the same. then the fourth time, i stepped on it and it was 100.8 lbs. WTF. i didn't change anything, and i'm standing on it properly. it's really starting to piss me off.
anyways, i'm thinking about buying the book 'Wasted' by Marya Hornbacher. i've seen some other bloggers read it, and i wanna know if it's worth it? i really need something to occupy my mind and that'll keep my motivated.
stay beautiful & think thin
today's been.. okay, i guess. my dad finished work early, forcing me to eat. i made a 170 cal sandwich. two pieces of wholewheat low-fat bread, and a bit of light peanut butter. I only ate half of it, and flushed the other half down the toilet. yum yum! that brings me to 85 calories, and including the milk from the coffee this morning, to around 100 cals. it was just a tiny bit of milk, but i'd rather over estimate than under. mmm, coffee is amazing. i've had a bottle of water too, and i'm about to get another, plus some painkillers for my headdache.
i also saw chicken on the countertop in the kitchen; dinner/supper is going to be an endless battle tonight. gah, i don't want to eat anymore. looking at it makes me want to heave, to be honest. i'm still on the faint-weak-airy kind of high from not eating much, and i loooove it. <3 anyways, that's all i have to say. i might post later with the results of dinner.
stay beautiful and strong.
Monday, August 31, 2009
i'm pretty proud of myself today.
starting off this morning, i had a cup of coffee which woke me right up.
i then decided i'd try fast today if my parents didn't force feed me, so i didn't eat anything.
then i saw the poptarts.
i wasn't even tempted.
i also horseback ride, and have been for years.
i rode hardcore for ninety minutes.
riding is major work, yet most people don't believe it.
it felt so good; i felt light, airy, and weak.
it helps me sit in the saddle better do, and just go with the rhythm.
then i came home.
my mom placed out a whole bowl of tomato soup and two slices of bread.
she then went through to the livingroom, but my dad kept.. lingering.
when he went to another room, i gradually put pieces of bread in my pockets.
i ate one part of the crust in front of him, just so no suspicions were raised.
i took tiny little spoonfuls of the soup, and i didn't eat much at all.
there was some part of me, telling me off for eating.
i dumped the soup down the sink and cleaned off my bowl.
although it wasn't a fast, it was under 100 cals.
the can was 284mL, 100 cals per 100mL.
i only took a few bites, so i'm guessing it's under 100 cals?
it was pure tomato soup too, so it was somewhat healthy.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
didn't have the best day, had between 700-900 calories.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK.
tomorrow i'm not eating over 300 cals, because i want to get back on track again.
i was doing well too, and then i fuck it up.
everyone was just pissing me off.
everybody was home today, so every was in my face.
'ariana, have you eaten yet?!'
I HEARD THIS TWENTY-THREE TIMES TODAY.
i counted, honestly.
every. half. hour.
on another note, i'm seeing my friend, K, on tuesday.
i forgot i had friends until she called, haha.
i've been too busy wallowing in my own weight loss problems.
that kind of worries.. but whatever.
i like going to see my friends, but when i don't eat, they accuse me of having an eating disorder.
that makes me want to punch them in the face.
i have once.
i'll never do that again.
i think i have anger problems, but i guess i've never showed my good side yet?
i just rant here, haha.
one week and a day until school starts.
i can't wait until winter.
i seem to be more motivated during the cold months.
i dont know why.
i live in canada, which means like, SEVEN months of snow and cold and shit like that.
it's actually.. not that great.
ANYWAYS, MOVING ON.
my msn is firstname.lastname@example.org if anybody wants to bother adding me.
i want buddies to talk to and to scream at me to stop being a fat pig. c:
stay beautiful xoxo
Saturday, August 29, 2009
two rice krispie squares: 180 cals
coffee: 20 cals
four bottles of water: 0 cals
cheese toastie: 275 cals
gum: 15 cals
total: 490 cals
okay, i guess.
could of done better but my mother keeps WATCHING me.
bitch. bitch. bitch. bitch.
she had a talk with me, too.
about loosing weight, and her helping me.
do it PROPERLY.
funny how she emphasizes properly.
i was like, fuck no.
i told her i wasnt trying.
WHY DOES SHE NOTICE NOW?!
i've been doing this for months.
i'm paranoid she's found my thinspo or something.
i was babysitting lastnight until 3am lastnight.
the mom has a weight ball thing, so i was playing with it for about an hour when the kids were asleep.
my arms got a good workout anyways.
half a yoghurt: 45 cals
4 crackers and cheese: 100 cals (SHIT)
total: 145 cals
i got to skip breakfast because i woke up at 12:30pm.
my mom wants to have a bbq for supper.
I WILL get out of that.
she has her friend over and her three boys, who are like, all under ten.
it's like a fucking daycare here.
ahaha, but she has an adorable little girl.
who's like six months.
but she screams. alot.
anyways, still need excercises.
stay beautiful xoxo
Friday, August 28, 2009
yesterday went well, i didn't eat after supper.
i had a cup of coffee, which was 20 cals, bringing my total up to 500 cals.
but i didn't binge.
i had the major urge to, but i sat down and watched tons of thinspo vids.
it helped, ALOT.
i'm going to aim lower for the next few days, and hopefully i'll get a day to fast.
i stepped on the scale today and it said 112 lbs.
one hundred and twelve. fucking. pounds.
what the fuck?!
my stomach has gone DOWN, and i'm starting to see improvement.
now the scale is being a fucking bitch.
it was apparently FIXED.
is that water weight?
i don't know.
it better fucking be.
does anyone know any effective excercises i can do in the house?
without machines, or anything.
i do the normal; sit-ups, crunches, jumping jacks, push ups.
but i need more.
there's supposed to be tropical storm the next few days, and i need something to keep me busy.
today i've had:
two rice krispie squares: 180 cals
three glasses of water: 0 cals
total: 180 cals
hopefully i'll get some fruit or veg in at supper.
or i'll just drink juice. idk.
stay beautiful xoxo
Thursday, August 27, 2009
today i have had:
half a yoghurt - 4o cals
rice krispie square - 90 cals
microwave pasta meal - 350 cals (damn.)
total: 480 cals
not bad i guess, eating through the day to keep my metabolism going.
going to start working out more, too.
i feel like a cow.
fat fat fat.
yesterday was horrible.
after supper i ALWAYS have the urge to BINGE.
so i guess in total i had around 1000 cals yesterday?
i need something to curb my binges, but nothing seems to be working.
when i do binge, i have that 'i don't need this, why am i doing it?' feeling.
then i feel awful and guilty, and want to cry.
i have a headache.
felt the need to complain.
anyways, i'll update tomorrow possibly.
stay beautiful xoxo
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Not ate yet today. My new plan is to only eat supper, because I'm forced to. My parents work through the day, so I don't have to worry about them hanging over me and watching me like a hawk. Usually I just put evidence out, like a bowl with a little milk and cereal, etc. It works, and my mom doesn't have proof I didn't eat. It's amazing. But of course nothing lasts. My dad has been coming home just after lunch the past few days. Suspicious, hmm? The first thing he asked me when he got through the door was, 'Have you eaten yet? What did you have? Did you eat breakfast?' I told him I ate breakfast, but not lunch. So I made a peanut butter sandwich and he watched me. I'm a sucker for peanut butter, but I didn't eat a THING. I didn't lick my fingers, or the knife. Nothing. I took it through to my room, put it in a bag, and then in the garbage. Then I emptied my bin, and put it in the garbage outside. I wasn't even that tempted to eat it. I felt pretty good after that, but I really, really don't want to eat supper. ): Gah, they put out like HUGE fucking portions, and I'm like, 'kay then :\'.
Yesterday I went for a nice, long walk after supper, half of it going uphill, so I wasn't so worried. I've been drinking ALOT of water, and I'm bloating like a bitch. It's disgusting. I drank two bottle of water after supper, so I was feeling sick and gross because I chugged them. I'll never do that again.
When I get hungry, my hands shake. Is this normal? It isn't bad at all, they just feel shaky when I pick stuff up or if I'm holding something. Gah, whatever. School starts back in two weeks, and I'm pretty excited to get out this house all the time.
Oh, and thank you to the other follower. (:
stay beautiful xoxo
Monday, August 24, 2009
My mother seems to be 'supervising' me now while i eat. :\ She'll sit there and watch me, every bite, every swallow, every. fucking. thing. What have I being doing differently now that I have been the past few months? Nothing. Now all of a sudden she's.. there. Thank god she works. Oh, the day when I get out this hell hole can't come fast enough.. My liquid fast lasted a day before my mom shoved food down my throat. It felt digusting, in all honesty. I love the faint, light feeling from being hungry. I love it. I want it to stay forever and ever. I did lie about saying I wasn't going to weigh myself, but the mere curiosity pulls me to it. It never tells the truth though, and I'm actually telling the truth on that. One hour I'm 85lbs and the next I'm 284lbs. (lolwhut) I'll be working my ass off tomorrow to burn those useless calories, and I think I'll pull an all nighter tonight. Mostly because I've had three cups of black coffee and I'm on an amazing kind of high. Oh, how I love caffeine. I won't be eating unless it's supper, because the parental units are pissbags.
How could I forget something so important? A follower i seem to have. (; thank you, darling.stay beautiful xoxo
Saturday, August 22, 2009
i feel like a pig to be quite honest. i've ate like an obese forty year old virgin for the past two days because my parents wont get off my fucking back. friday night i told them i was sick and it was honestly quite believable. but my mom was being a bitch and forced me to eat. i wasn't going to refuse, because she'd grill me with questions because that's how paranoid she is. i binged this morning too, and i honestly have no idea why. there was no fucking reason, i just did. i'm currently at 106.6lbs last time i weighed, but like everything else it's effed up. i'm going food free for a couple days, and if i absolutely have to eat, i'm not going over 200 cals. mostly just to stop suspicions from being raised. liquid fast, here i come.
i don't even know why i'm writing these blogs, no one reads them. x)
and after re-reading my post, i sound fucking insane. i'm honestly not. i'm just about go apeshit on this laptop, that's all ;)
stay beautiful xoxo
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
current weight: 107 lbs
first post. (: i've seen many blogs about losing weight, pro ana, ect, and they've all inspired me to shift the ugly, ugly fat that hangs limp on my body. before i start, i will say i'm not anorexic. i don't plan on trying, or ever being that way. i have friends and family who have falling in to that spiral of never ending pain, and i don't want to ever be like that. although i have, and have no problem extrem dieting and fasting, i don't want to be called anorexic. ever.
so, basically, this blog is to get me off my ass -- once again -- and do something about those calories. i despise the way i look, to the point where i want to cry and scream. when i do this, i'm not going to weigh myself. one, because my scale is fucked, and two, i want to see the differences. i'm not setting a goal weight, i'll just keep loosing until i'm happy with my appearance. anyways, that's it for now.