this girl is on a strike until she gets skinny. she will no longer care about the world, because this is all that matters. if she falls down, she will get back up and hold her head up. no, she will not be a beauty in breakdown, because she's a fucking beast. one day she will walk down that street with that boyfriend at that time, and she will look perfect. not embarrassed, self conscious, humiliated, angered, miserable. oh no, she will fly! this will no longer be a silly dream, this will come true. she will hold her head high, never skip school because she's scared, will not be paranoid. she will be fucking amazing.
that beautiful boy, whos name shall be J, has asked me to be his. i'm terrified. i'm a horrible lover, i never do anything right, i don't like public affection, i feel dirtydirtyfatfatfat. his last girl was skinnythinbeautiful, and i really, really don't live up to that. he is thin and tall, i am short and fat. what connection is there here, my dear. he says i'm beautiful, i know he is lying. i look in the mirror, but i can't see what he sees. i starestarestare, but all i see is fat, rolls, short, not good enough, help. he wants to go further, i won't until i lose, starve, get skinnier. i hyperventilate at the thought of seeing myself naked. fuck.
eating has been.. strange. i had some amazing days last week, but this weekend has been a disaster. i have been totally out of it, floating from place to place, holding the hands of friends and the ones i love. eating, no i don't want this, no just take it, okay. i'm scared to be alone and i don't want anyone to come near me. where has this attitude come from? i demand an explanation.
doctor's tomorrow. here they go again, fucking me over.
This week has been okay, god awful, terrible, toomanythingsnotenoughtime.
What is balance? I seem to have forgotten. I can't eat without seriously restricting, or binging until food oozes out of my pores. I can't remember how I used to eat. Those habits have been replaced with new ones. I can't eat normally. It's not enough and way too much. Who ever heard of the girl who forgets how to eat? I can't remember what normal looks like, feels like, is supposed to be like. Nothing is normal, my perspective is fucked; tilted on an angle. What I'm doing feels normal, and then it doesn't anymore. It feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Then it welcomes me back with open arms and I'm in bliss again. I'm afraid to fall asleep. I go to bed, thinking about what I'll do tomorrow and how strong I'll be. How I'll be floating above everything else in dreamland. I wake up miserable, knowing everything will fall apart. Someone ripped out my stitches when I was asleep, pulling out the wiring in my brain. It's confusing me to no ends. Is anyone else feeling like this?
I'm going out with a beautiful boy on Friday. I don't want to go; I can't. I skipped school last Friday because I binged the day before and I was so humiliated. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror, so how can I picture myself with him? He's fucking skinny, and so was his last girlfriend. I don't fit in to this equation, it's not possible. I'd rather sit at home with my black coffee and read books, curled up in a warm cocoon of blankets. I am not a social butterfly anymore. I can't stand going out with friends.
Moving on from that, thank you so much for following my blog and reading about my miserable failures. I appreciate it more than anything in this world, to know some people aren't trying to bring me down.
I asked my parents for a new Laptop and a pet rat for Christmas. They said I can only have one. I chose the pet rat.