WARNING: you're entering the zone of a disordered freak. beware.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

history of a confused girl.

I can't believe 2009 is almost out the door. This has been such a huge year for me, with family, friends, and especially with developing this strange eating sense.

I don't feel so connected to this community, so I was you to know more about me. I will not expose my age for now, because I want to think that you're judging my thoughts and personality rather than what I am. I hope you understand what I mean, because that did not make sense. I've been debating for now if I should just spill my history and current thoughts, and I think I will. I need to get it off my chest, because really, nobody knows.

My story.

I've always been self conscious of my body. I was always 'normal' sized, I had a good appetite, I was a smart kid. I was always playing, and I absolutely adored drawing. The thing is though, all my friends were petite, naturally thin and beautiful. I was the short and stumpy one, always. It didn't matter how pretty I looked or what I wore, it was height and weight. I was eight years old.

I remember being in the shower and looking down at myself, trying to figure out what this feeling was I had towards myself. It didn't feel good at all. I'd run my hands over my body and feel disgusted. I didn't understand why I felt like this, or how to stop feeling so bad about myself. What really triggered me was when I met my best friend, when I was ten. She was my next door neighbour and we instantly clicked. We both shared an interest in horses and dance. Let's call her Olivia. Olivia has everything; flexibility, looks, an athletic body, and a killer smile. This is when I started sucking in my stomach. I did it so often, it became natural. I still do it today; around my parents, my friends, everyone.

I used to love summer, but it became such a bad thing for me during my childhood. It meant more exposure of my body. It meant feeling bad. I refused to walk around in a bikini because I felt awful. Still, at ten, I didn't understand why I hated myself so fucking much.

I experimented dieting at ten, cutting out bad food and eating healthy. I didn't exercise, although I was always out playing and I horseback rode a couple of times a week. I eventually gave up, as any short spanned, ten year old would.

The years went on, and the feeling got worse. I never told anyone about it, because I didn't quite understand what was happening to me myself. I have always been self conscious, I've always sucked in, and through the years I've tried dieting. Sometimes it was successful, but eating made me feel bad, and it wasn't a good enough result.

Last year, this anxiety really took it's toll. I started restricting, refusing to eat more than I allowed myself. I was terrified of putting on weight, of becoming fatter than I already was. The voices got louder, they were no longer innocent whispers. They were cruel but loving voices, telling me what was good and bad for me. I believed them. Restricting gave me power and confidence. I was able to control something nobody else could, I was stronger than everyone else. I could do what they couldn't. Last year was also when I stumbled across pro ana, and these blogs. I was amazed. Being the curious person I am, I investigated deeper in to these sites. I couldn't believe it; here are people that share the same problems and feelings with me. I'm not alone. I continued reading through these blogs as the year passed, finding such support and strength from them. This year, I decided to join. I was thrilled that for once, someone wasn't putting me down. I was offered support. This brings us to today.

I'm scared to label myself as 'disordered'. Am I really? I question myself everyday, even though I feel as if I know the answer. Yes. It just feels scary to say it, but now I am getting used to it. I kept telling myself, I can't be labelled by anyone but the doctor, but really, why the hell would I confess this to someone like that? They'll only take it away from me. This is my world, my problem, my comfort, my life.

So yeah, that's my sob story. Hugs to those who actually read it. Now you know a little more about me.

Today has been an up and down. Had cake this morning, purged it in the shower. I find ice cream and chocolate the easiest to purge, and I also know that I should NOT know that. I don't want to be friends with Mia.

I'll update with my resolutions later, this post is long enough as it is.
Ariana, xoxo.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

happy new years.

Well, soon anyways.

Fasting tomorrow because there is a pretty good chance I will be drinking tomorrow night. I don't drink much at all, other than big events like weddings, christmas, etc. It makes me feel icky, but I'm craving freedom right now. I wanna get hammered and chill out. Sans the calories.

Fuck.

Intake:
Dinner - 400
Cake - 200 ):
Chocolate - fuck knows, purged it.

Purged successfully this time, but it feels like my sinuses are on fire. Let's not make this a habit s'il-vous-plait.

Smile.

Ariana, xoxo.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

bonjour.

Comment ├ža va mes ami(e)s?

Back to school next week, means back to French. Dear lord, I suck at speaking French.

Thank you all for the Happy Birthday's and the comments. And for the watchers! I never noticed I had fifty-four, good God. I love you all, for whatever reason you're following my blog.

New diet; Green tea and fruit! I wanna cut all the greasy, yucky stuff out of my diet. Mostly because I feel better and more energetic when it's all natural. Still restricting as usual.

I've been eating dairy all day and I feel like shit. I found out from my doctor that I'm intolerant to peanuts. Thank god, I'm a sucker for peanut butter.

Short update; failed today, of course. Tomorrow and New years will be a new beginning.
I'm not feeling too bad about it, because it wasn't a binge. I can't really.. binge anymore unless it's fruit and vegetables.

I'm off to watch anime, draw, and drink green tea.

Keep smiling.
Ariana, xoxo.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

birthday.

c'est mon anniversaire, mes amis.

thank god my mother didn't get me a cake. i'm beginning to be thankful for being lactose intolerant. but you know what she did get me? a mirror. a full size, big ass, fucking mirror.

THERE IS A REASON I DIDN'T HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM, KAY THANKS.

she must've been fed up with me standing in her room, staring at her own mirror for hours. i'm a basement dweller, i'm not supposed to retrieve to the surface. no, not really. i can't stand being in the house, it's too close the the food.

anyways, i've been munching on skittles and mints for the past three days. i've not even finished half a bag of either, so i suppose it could be worse.

i think i should post a picture of what i look like right now. i'm going to seriously regret this.


i'm seriously thinking about getting my collarbones pierced. dermal piercings do look quite sore though. i pierced my own belly button in the eighth grade, and i get injections all the fucking time, so it can't be that bad. i don't even fucking care, i'm going to do it. (:

ariana, xoxo.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

when i'm skinny, i'm getting my fucking collarbones pierced.


it's my birthday tomorrow.
I DON'T WANT TO GET FUCKING OLDER.

my boyfriend is halfway across the world and i'm fucking bored.

ariana, xoxo.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas girlies and boys, if there happens to be any. (:


The past few days have been.. eventful. I'm throwing everything up I eat or it's going RIGHT through me, if you know what I mean. I've been chewing on wintergreen mints all day, being cautious because there is 50 calories in four of those things?!

Time to get back on track, I swear this food is the reason I'm getting sick.
It's all poison.

Oh yes, and now I'm lactose intolerant and my body creates antibodies against wholewheat?
Goodbye dairy and bread. ;)

Ariana, xoxo.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

.

can someone please tell me stop eating everything that comes in sight, even though i have the option and rights to refuse all i want, because i can't seem to stop although i know my consequences and the fat that will hang off of me. can someone please tell me off, just tell me to stop and breathe because it's not working when i tell myself and everything is rushrunblur even though i'm sitting here sipping tea and ignoring the four presentations, three tests, and english project that is worth 10% of my term mark that i'm not doing and is due this week. can someone please tell me what is WRONG with me and why i cannot follow instructions and why my routine has dissappeared?? i just need someone to tell tell how fucked up i am for not controlling myself, and that if i don't get my ass back in shape, i'm going to be a worthless cow. terrify me, please.



why am i typing and not using proper puncutations and not writing in shorter sentences because my mind cannot stop. why are these thoughts going a hundred miles per hour and not thinking about the things that are important and need to be done. why am i complaining on a blog when no one really wants to listen to my rants because really, that's all i seem to do. why do i want to cry but no tears are pouring down my face?



this is bizaare, and not like me. well yes, completely like me.

next saturday i'm going to a formal party and i really don't want to go with my thin friends because i look terrible in dresses although i love them and would be happy to wear them for the rest of my life if i lost about thirty pounds. i need to be thin, thinner, thinnest. i want to be cold and fragile looking and always need hugs because i might just freeze in this arctic wind and be blown away like my thoughts.

now, i'm off to drink tea, watch anime, and think about doing that homework although it will never get done.

ariana, xoxo.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Well, I'm back. Not at 100lbs, but I'm back for sure. I knew from the beginning I wouldn't be able to stay away, I just typed on impulse. Way to go Ariana. Fuck, I'm probably heavier than when I left. I want to be thin so bad, but my control and motivation just slip sometimes. Then I'll be sitting on the bathroom floor at night, shaking and crying because I can't live with what I am.

J is getting in my head. He temporarily convinced me I was okay the way I was, when I am most definitely not. His last girlfriend gives me motivation; tall, thin, beyond pretty. I've come to the conclusion he's only calling me beautiful because that's a boyfriend thing. He's obviously lying, because I can't figure out what the fuck he sees in me. I need to stop listening to him and do what I want to fucking do.

ANYWAYS, I have a new plan pour moi. Since it's December, I will start off easy. You're probably wondering what the fuck I'm on, but this is what I'm doing. Every single day has to be under 1000 calories. No fucking binges, or no Christmas presents for me. 500 is preferred, but I'll mix it up to keep my metabolism going. I don't think I'll have the guts to go past 800 unless I have that binge feeling, but I can't fuck this up.

Therefore, today is day one! So far I have had 100 calories, and tonight I will have dinner and that will be all. Lots of water, no food.

I will post pictures at 105lbs. Whenever that is. :\

Ariana, xoxo.