WARNING: you're entering the zone of a disordered freak. beware.

Friday, September 11, 2009

I've been so bad this week. Binge, binge, binge. Endless strings of calories forcing themselves down my throat in a rush, while my sickly stomach churned, churned, churned. Eating away the stress, stress, stress. School started on Tuesday. Ariana is not a creature of change. I hate new things, I hate different teachers, new schedules, unfamiliar classmates. It makes me panic immensely. I can't take overwhelming things like that. I'm most likely over exaggerating and being dramatic, but that's how I am.
I just realized, I haven't updated in five days. I've been too busy being self centered and depressed. Today I had 400-500 calories, all of it on Kraft Dinner. Ew? I can't stand that stuff, I don't know why I was so inclined to eat it. Tomorrow I'm on a liquid fast. Anyone with me? Gives me motivation when I know I'm doing it with someone and I can't let them down. If I do, I'd feel horrible. Parents are not home, so this is the perfect opportunity. Water, Coffee, and Crystal Lite. I feel so digusting right now. Blubbery, greasy fat hanging off my body. The scales are still trying to fuck me over, so those are off the radar for now. I want the bones, baby.
Think Thin && Stay Strong

Sunday, September 6, 2009


I'm fucking freezing.
I have been all day.
I'm not complaining, because I love warm blankets.
I want an electric blanket.
I think i'll be putting that on my 'Christmas List'.
I could get that for my birthday actually.
Since it's two days after christmas.

Total calories for today comes to around 500 calories.
I only had supper, but it was burgers and stuff.
I had one small burger and corn.
I love corn.

I also got the book, Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson.
Thank you so much, Ana's Girl for recommending it. (:
It's an AMAZING book, and I have fifty or so pages left.
I got it last night, and I can't seem to put it down.
I'm horrible at stretching out books if I really like them.
I was going to get Wasted, but they didn't have it in.
Wintergirls was also a staff pick, which I was surprised about.
Actually, no I'm not.
I'm in love with that book.


I'm so fidgety today.

I keep having strange dreams about school too.
Two more days.
Scratch that, a day left.
Two nights.
I don't want to go back.
Speaking French isn't my thing.

Every class is in French.
I wonder if I'll be relieved when I'm officially bilingual.
Though I'll always regret going in french immersion.
Or will I?
Who knows.
I certainly don't.

Enough of my whining.

I want a text buddy.
But it needs to be within Canada.
Because I'm Canadian.

Not technically, but I live there.
But whatever.
I'm in a talkative, emotionless mood.
That really doesn't make sense.

I'm still cold.
Doesn't help I'm sitting by a window, I guess.

I'm so sorry I haven't been commenting.
I've been really busy.
I feel awful, but I promise I will sometime.

Stay Strong && Think Thin

Friday, September 4, 2009

her hipbones are amazing.

i went shopping yesterdayyy. got a new bag for school and things. we were in the superstore and my mom asked me if i wanted something. i came back with gum, because i seriously needed it. her attitude.. changed. in the car, she flipped. she. FLIPPED. out. she kept asking me what was wrong, if i was trying to lose weight, why i wasn't eating as much, why i was eating healthier. she just notices NOW?! i've been doing this for months, as i've previously mentioned. then she totally stepped out of line. she said i was just like my real dad. i believe that's the same guy she criticizes all the time, saying he ruined her life, lied to her, and stuff like that? yes. apparently, i'm just like him. i totally freaked out. then i suddenly burst into tears, DAMNIT. i totally shut her out, though. answered NOTHING. she wants to weigh me and wants me to see a doctor. i told her fuck no, and i'm not a kid anymore. than ended the conversation perfectly. i know it's her job to be concerned, but being in my fucking face ALL the time wasn't part of the deal.

so that pissed me off last night, but i didn't anymore, and that's all that matters.

i had a dentist appointment this morning. i had to get ceiling touch ups on my back teeth. holy shit, it tastes disgusting. it tastes like bile. they said not to eat gum for two hours.


too fucking bad.

my mom made me eat cereal, so that's 200 calories already today. damn. i'll have supper, then that's it. i may have coffee/tea, or my beautiful Crystal Lite. i think all day about what i'll write on my blog, then i forget. typical.

stay strong && think thin

Thursday, September 3, 2009

i want collarbones.
i want hipbones.
i want a gap between my legs.
and i will get it.
one way or another.

total intake for today has been 330 cals.
i'm pretty happy with that.
i found this amazing piece of heaven in five cals.
Crystal Light.
it's only 30 cals a pack for 1.5 liters.
it tastes amazing, pink lemonade.
i had a low calorie microwave meal for supper.
that as well, tasted pretty good.
all for 300 calories.
going to the mall and book store later.

stay strong && think thin
sasha pivovarova & gemma ward.
my favourite thinspo everr.
i just realiazed how alike they look.

went for a half hour walk this morning, half of it being uphill. it's not that long, but there isn't alot of place to walk.
plus i pulled a muscle in my thigh yesterday, but no excuses.
i'll try not eat tonight, if i can avoid it.
but i doubt that.
i'm going shopping tonight anyways, so i'll probably update then/after.

stay strong & think thin

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

i'm fat.
oh so, FAT.
i don't deserve supporters.
i don't deserve food.
i don't deserve to be skinny.
i don't deserve anything.
because i binged.
i fucking binged.

even though the voice screamed and told me to stop, telling me i'd get FAT. and i didn't listen.
because i'm weak. i was supposed to fast, but no. i didn't. i went over 1000 cals, and i didn't even consider safe foods. healthy foods. even though i went horseback riding, and rode hardcore for over an hour, it still didn't satisfy me. my legs are aching. my head is pounding. why must i fail at everything? i tried to purge, but only a little bit of food came up, then my stomach refused to give up more.

why must i be so weak?

starting tomorrow, i will not go over 500 cals until monday.
i will suceed, because if i don't, i will punish myself for it.
i will excercise for over an hour everyday, and go for a walk every morning.
i will. fucking. do it.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

update on dinner.

nice change, mom. just keep trying to shove greasy pizza in my face. she decided on pizza at the last minute, so that was a WHATTHEFUCK moment. i was pissed beyond belief. i had two small pieces, that came in at 375 cals, while the rest of my family stuffed their faces with a load of other shit. i chugged a bottle of water after, because i felt another part of me wanting more, but then there's another part thats screams at me not to. it screams bad things in my head, like how FAT i'll get, and how all those empty calories will go to thighs and stomach. holy shit, i sound INSANE. i'll refer to that voice as 'she', instead of saying THAT SCREAMING VOICE. i'm not making any sense now, sorry.

i'm going to go do 200 sit ups, some crunches, and other things to burn these useless calories. the scale is trying to fuck me over too. the first time i stepped on it, it said 108.2 lbs. i did that for three times and it stayed the same. then the fourth time, i stepped on it and it was 100.8 lbs. WTF. i didn't change anything, and i'm standing on it properly. it's really starting to piss me off.

anyways, i'm thinking about buying the book 'Wasted' by Marya Hornbacher. i've seen some other bloggers read it, and i wanna know if it's worth it? i really need something to occupy my mind and that'll keep my motivated.

stay beautiful & think thin
today's been.. okay, i guess. my dad finished work early, forcing me to eat. i made a 170 cal sandwich. two pieces of wholewheat low-fat bread, and a bit of light peanut butter. I only ate half of it, and flushed the other half down the toilet. yum yum! that brings me to 85 calories, and including the milk from the coffee this morning, to around 100 cals. it was just a tiny bit of milk, but i'd rather over estimate than under. mmm, coffee is amazing. i've had a bottle of water too, and i'm about to get another, plus some painkillers for my headdache.

i also saw chicken on the countertop in the kitchen; dinner/supper is going to be an endless battle tonight. gah, i don't want to eat anymore. looking at it makes me want to heave, to be honest. i'm still on the faint-weak-airy kind of high from not eating much, and i loooove it. <3 anyways, that's all i have to say. i might post later with the results of dinner.

stay beautiful and strong.