WARNING: you're entering the zone of a disordered freak. beware.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

i'm tired. oh so tired. i'm at the point where i'm constantly dancing on the line between consciousness and sleep, and everything feels light. swallowing pretty little pills laced with chemicals to make me sleep like a normal person and be happy. and normal, normal, normal.

one of my best friends lost weight extremely rapidly this time two years ago. i played the role; asked the are you okay? and always got the i'm fine. it's like a script, really. we cannot dare to go beyond what's normal. i can tell by the way she looks at food like it will be the reason for her death, how she got impossibly paler, how she's so weak, that she's ednos. guess it takes one to know one. i should probably care more, but i've never been close to people. why start now?

i should probably make it a new years resolution, but quite frankly, i don't want to. i like it the way it is.

i'm going vegetarian this year. i haven't thought up of a reason why, but it seems fresh and renewing. we shall see. anyways, happy new year! i'm debating getting drunk out of my mind, but the calorie content is scaring me. what's new?

much love
ariana, xoxo.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

winter seems to surround my mind like a blanket. it's my favourite season, full of christmas spirit, the smell of ginger, and snow days, but it also darkens my mind. depression constantly threatens to surface, dancing with my thoughts, bringing back the what ifs? when it hurts to get up the morning and I just want to cry. my therapist tells me i have seasonal affective disorder.

i find peace within myself; i like to be alone. crowds send my mind into flurries. nobody else seems to understand this.

ten pounds to boot before christmas. care to join me?

much love
ariana, xoxo.