WARNING: you're entering the zone of a disordered freak. beware.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

when i think about it, my friends aren't really friends.
i meet someone in the weirdest way,
and we sit listening to dubstep, doing drugs, and just being.

because really,
it's the only thing we have in common.

we're all fucked up in some way and basking in it is the only way to survive.

much love,
ariana xoxo

Sunday, June 19, 2011

daul kim is
my saviour in disguise.

i wish she hadn't have hung herself.
maybe she didn't know enough, or maybe she knew too much?
so many maybes but i feel the same way.

i've been crazy the past few days, i don't know what's gotten into me.

this not-so-new boyfriend is the most boring person i have ever met.
ignoring him so he'll dump me is probably the worst thing i can do, but i'm a horrible person after all.
ariana the monster.
my friends think so, too.

wowowowowow. my life never stops moving.

this entry made no sense, but my mind is in a mess.

much love,
ariana xoxo.

Friday, May 6, 2011

i'm being taken to prom this summer. i've lost almost eight pounds this week, something i fear is either water weight or my scales have gone quite mad. time seems to slip by quickly, day after day, on this low calorie diet and mild exercise.

i'm losing weight, and that's all that matters. i am not creative nor inspirational, i am just terribly sick. i feel completely fine with this.

stress builds up easily, but pretty canary yellow pills keep me at bay. dealing with friends cutting, friends who are suicidal, friends are borderline crazy and almost up to par with me. i am the rock, the supporter, the one full of secrets which they'll never discover. hushed words of it's okay, you're fine, this will pass which are packed with lies. i'm such a monster.

now to go hang out with my new boy--whom is in a band, wow!--and go eat sushi but secretly pick at it and loathe myself more than ever.

much love,
ariana xoxo.

p.s. should i post more often? i feel ghost-like and out of place here.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

i'm tired. oh so tired. i'm at the point where i'm constantly dancing on the line between consciousness and sleep, and everything feels light. swallowing pretty little pills laced with chemicals to make me sleep like a normal person and be happy. and normal, normal, normal.

one of my best friends lost weight extremely rapidly this time two years ago. i played the role; asked the are you okay? and always got the i'm fine. it's like a script, really. we cannot dare to go beyond what's normal. i can tell by the way she looks at food like it will be the reason for her death, how she got impossibly paler, how she's so weak, that she's ednos. guess it takes one to know one. i should probably care more, but i've never been close to people. why start now?

i should probably make it a new years resolution, but quite frankly, i don't want to. i like it the way it is.

i'm going vegetarian this year. i haven't thought up of a reason why, but it seems fresh and renewing. we shall see. anyways, happy new year! i'm debating getting drunk out of my mind, but the calorie content is scaring me. what's new?

much love
ariana, xoxo.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

winter seems to surround my mind like a blanket. it's my favourite season, full of christmas spirit, the smell of ginger, and snow days, but it also darkens my mind. depression constantly threatens to surface, dancing with my thoughts, bringing back the what ifs? when it hurts to get up the morning and I just want to cry. my therapist tells me i have seasonal affective disorder.

i find peace within myself; i like to be alone. crowds send my mind into flurries. nobody else seems to understand this.

ten pounds to boot before christmas. care to join me?

much love
ariana, xoxo.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

fall is my favourite season.
fall has always been my favourite season.

it's warm tea, cinnamon candles, imogen heap, and over-sized sweaters.
it's hiding beneath layers of clothes and feeling a little better about yourself.

i haven't been here in a while. have you all forgotten about me? you've always been in my mind. it's nice to read all of your blogs again.

keep well.
ariana, xoxo.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Follow me on tumblr!

Sorry about the last post, I was just totally freaking the fuck out.
I currently stand at 110 lbs.

There are mornings I just wake up and feel absolutely out of it.
I can't stand up without puking and my head is pounding, and the only way to fix it is to eat.
But I can't eat.
Suggestions? Tea doesn't work.

I won't be posting here as much anymore.
Follow me on tumblr! They have the BEST thinspo there I have ever seen.

comment if you have tumblr and i'll follow you! ♥

ariana, xoxo.