WARNING: you're entering the zone of a disordered freak. beware.

Monday, August 31, 2009

under her spell.

i'm pretty proud of myself today.
starting off this morning, i had a cup of coffee which woke me right up.
i then decided i'd try fast today if my parents didn't force feed me, so i didn't eat anything.
then i saw the poptarts.
i wasn't even tempted.
i also horseback ride, and have been for years.
i rode hardcore for ninety minutes.
riding is major work, yet most people don't believe it.
it felt so good; i felt light, airy, and weak.
it helps me sit in the saddle better do, and just go with the rhythm.
then i came home.
my mom placed out a whole bowl of tomato soup and two slices of bread.
she then went through to the livingroom, but my dad kept.. lingering.
when he went to another room, i gradually put pieces of bread in my pockets.
i ate one part of the crust in front of him, just so no suspicions were raised.
i took tiny little spoonfuls of the soup, and i didn't eat much at all.
there was some part of me, telling me off for eating.
i dumped the soup down the sink and cleaned off my bowl.
although it wasn't a fast, it was under 100 cals.
the can was 284mL, 100 cals per 100mL.
i only took a few bites, so i'm guessing it's under 100 cals?
it was pure tomato soup too, so it was somewhat healthy.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


didn't have the best day, had between 700-900 calories.
tomorrow i'm not eating over 300 cals, because i want to get back on track again.
i was doing well too, and then i fuck it up.
everyone was just pissing me off.
including myself.
everybody was home today, so every was in my face.
'ariana, have you eaten yet?!'
i counted, honestly.
every. half. hour.

on another note, i'm seeing my friend, K, on tuesday.
i forgot i had friends until she called, haha.
i've been too busy wallowing in my own weight loss problems.
that kind of worries.. but whatever.
i like going to see my friends, but when i don't eat, they accuse me of having an eating disorder.
that makes me want to punch them in the face.
i have once.
i'll never do that again.

i think i have anger problems, but i guess i've never showed my good side yet?
i just rant here, haha.

one week and a day until school starts.
yay. D;
i can't wait until winter.
i seem to be more motivated during the cold months.
i dont know why.
i live in canada, which means like, SEVEN months of snow and cold and shit like that.
it's actually.. not that great.

my msn is ariana-xxo@hotmail.com if anybody wants to bother adding me.
i want buddies to talk to and to scream at me to stop being a fat pig. c:

stay beautiful xoxo

Saturday, August 29, 2009


yesterday intake:
two rice krispie squares: 180 cals
coffee: 20 cals
four bottles of water: 0 cals
cheese toastie: 275 cals
gum: 15 cals
total: 490 cals

okay, i guess.
could of done better but my mother keeps WATCHING me.
bitch. bitch. bitch. bitch.
she had a talk with me, too.
about loosing weight, and her helping me.
funny how she emphasizes properly.
i was like, fuck no.
i told her i wasnt trying.
i've been doing this for months.
i'm paranoid she's found my thinspo or something.
i was babysitting lastnight until 3am lastnight.
the mom has a weight ball thing, so i was playing with it for about an hour when the kids were asleep.
my arms got a good workout anyways.

today intake:
half a yoghurt: 45 cals
4 crackers and cheese: 100 cals (SHIT)
total: 145 cals

i got to skip breakfast because i woke up at 12:30pm.
my mom wants to have a bbq for supper.
I WILL get out of that.
she has her friend over and her three boys, who are like, all under ten.
it's like a fucking daycare here.
ahaha, but she has an adorable little girl.
who's like six months.
but she screams. alot.

anyways, still need excercises.

stay beautiful xoxo

Friday, August 28, 2009

overcoming obstacles;

yesterday went well, i didn't eat after supper.
i had a cup of coffee, which was 20 cals, bringing my total up to 500 cals.
but i didn't binge.
i had the major urge to, but i sat down and watched tons of thinspo vids.
it helped, ALOT.
i'm going to aim lower for the next few days, and hopefully i'll get a day to fast.

i stepped on the scale today and it said 112 lbs.
one hundred and twelve. fucking. pounds.
what the fuck?!
my stomach has gone DOWN, and i'm starting to see improvement.
now the scale is being a fucking bitch.
it was apparently FIXED.
is that water weight?
i don't know.
it better fucking be.

does anyone know any effective excercises i can do in the house?
without machines, or anything.
i do the normal; sit-ups, crunches, jumping jacks, push ups.
but i need more.
there's supposed to be tropical storm the next few days, and i need something to keep me busy.

today i've had:
two rice krispie squares: 180 cals
three glasses of water: 0 cals
total: 180 cals

hopefully i'll get some fruit or veg in at supper.
or i'll just drink juice. idk.

stay beautiful xoxo

Thursday, August 27, 2009

controlling binges

today i have had:

half a yoghurt - 4o cals
rice krispie square - 90 cals
microwave pasta meal - 350 cals (damn.)

total: 480 cals

not bad i guess, eating through the day to keep my metabolism going.

going to start working out more, too.

i feel like a cow.
fat fat fat.

yesterday was horrible.
after supper i ALWAYS have the urge to BINGE.
it's disgusting.
so i guess in total i had around 1000 cals yesterday?

i need something to curb my binges, but nothing seems to be working.

when i do binge, i have that 'i don't need this, why am i doing it?' feeling.
then i feel awful and guilty, and want to cry.
it's horrible.

i have a headache.
felt the need to complain.
anyways, i'll update tomorrow possibly.

stay beautiful xoxo

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Not ate yet today. My new plan is to only eat supper, because I'm forced to. My parents work through the day, so I don't have to worry about them hanging over me and watching me like a hawk. Usually I just put evidence out, like a bowl with a little milk and cereal, etc. It works, and my mom doesn't have proof I didn't eat. It's amazing. But of course nothing lasts. My dad has been coming home just after lunch the past few days. Suspicious, hmm? The first thing he asked me when he got through the door was, 'Have you eaten yet? What did you have? Did you eat breakfast?' I told him I ate breakfast, but not lunch. So I made a peanut butter sandwich and he watched me. I'm a sucker for peanut butter, but I didn't eat a THING. I didn't lick my fingers, or the knife. Nothing. I took it through to my room, put it in a bag, and then in the garbage. Then I emptied my bin, and put it in the garbage outside. I wasn't even that tempted to eat it. I felt pretty good after that, but I really, really don't want to eat supper. ): Gah, they put out like HUGE fucking portions, and I'm like, 'kay then :\'.

Yesterday I went for a nice, long walk after supper, half of it going uphill, so I wasn't so worried. I've been drinking ALOT of water, and I'm bloating like a bitch. It's disgusting. I drank two bottle of water after supper, so I was feeling sick and gross because I chugged them. I'll never do that again.

When I get hungry, my hands shake. Is this normal? It isn't bad at all, they just feel shaky when I pick stuff up or if I'm holding something. Gah, whatever. School starts back in two weeks, and I'm pretty excited to get out this house all the time.

Oh, and thank you to the other follower. (:

stay beautiful xoxo

Monday, August 24, 2009

My mother seems to be 'supervising' me now while i eat. :\ She'll sit there and watch me, every bite, every swallow, every. fucking. thing. What have I being doing differently now that I have been the past few months? Nothing. Now all of a sudden she's.. there. Thank god she works. Oh, the day when I get out this hell hole can't come fast enough.. My liquid fast lasted a day before my mom shoved food down my throat. It felt digusting, in all honesty. I love the faint, light feeling from being hungry. I love it. I want it to stay forever and ever. I did lie about saying I wasn't going to weigh myself, but the mere curiosity pulls me to it. It never tells the truth though, and I'm actually telling the truth on that. One hour I'm 85lbs and the next I'm 284lbs. (lolwhut) I'll be working my ass off tomorrow to burn those useless calories, and I think I'll pull an all nighter tonight. Mostly because I've had three cups of black coffee and I'm on an amazing kind of high. Oh, how I love caffeine. I won't be eating unless it's supper, because the parental units are pissbags.

How could I forget something so important? A follower i seem to have. (; thank you, darling.

stay beautiful xoxo

Saturday, August 22, 2009

fat fat fat.
i feel like a pig to be quite honest. i've ate like an obese forty year old virgin for the past two days because my parents wont get off my fucking back. friday night i told them i was sick and it was honestly quite believable. but my mom was being a bitch and forced me to eat. i wasn't going to refuse, because she'd grill me with questions because that's how paranoid she is. i binged this morning too, and i honestly have no idea why. there was no fucking reason, i just did. i'm currently at 106.6lbs last time i weighed, but like everything else it's effed up. i'm going food free for a couple days, and if i absolutely have to eat, i'm not going over 200 cals. mostly just to stop suspicions from being raised. liquid fast, here i come.

i don't even know why i'm writing these blogs, no one reads them. x)

and after re-reading my post, i sound fucking insane. i'm honestly not. i'm just about go apeshit on this laptop, that's all ;)

stay beautiful xoxo

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

name: ariana
height: 5"1
current weight: 107 lbs

first post. (: i've seen many blogs about losing weight, pro ana, ect, and they've all inspired me to shift the ugly, ugly fat that hangs limp on my body. before i start, i will say i'm not anorexic. i don't plan on trying, or ever being that way. i have friends and family who have falling in to that spiral of never ending pain, and i don't want to ever be like that. although i have, and have no problem extrem dieting and fasting, i don't want to be called anorexic. ever.

so, basically, this blog is to get me off my ass -- once again -- and do something about those calories. i despise the way i look, to the point where i want to cry and scream. when i do this, i'm not going to weigh myself. one, because my scale is fucked, and two, i want to see the differences. i'm not setting a goal weight, i'll just keep loosing until i'm happy with my appearance. anyways, that's it for now.