I can't believe 2009 is almost out the door. This has been such a huge year for me, with family, friends, and especially with developing this strange eating sense.
I don't feel so connected to this community, so I was you to know more about me. I will not expose my age for now, because I want to think that you're judging my thoughts and personality rather than what I am. I hope you understand what I mean, because that did not make sense. I've been debating for now if I should just spill my history and current thoughts, and I think I will. I need to get it off my chest, because really, nobody knows.
I've always been self conscious of my body. I was always 'normal' sized, I had a good appetite, I was a smart kid. I was always playing, and I absolutely adored drawing. The thing is though, all my friends were petite, naturally thin and beautiful. I was the short and stumpy one, always. It didn't matter how pretty I looked or what I wore, it was height and weight. I was eight years old.
I remember being in the shower and looking down at myself, trying to figure out what this feeling was I had towards myself. It didn't feel good at all. I'd run my hands over my body and feel disgusted. I didn't understand why I felt like this, or how to stop feeling so bad about myself. What really triggered me was when I met my best friend, when I was ten. She was my next door neighbour and we instantly clicked. We both shared an interest in horses and dance. Let's call her Olivia. Olivia has everything; flexibility, looks, an athletic body, and a killer smile. This is when I started sucking in my stomach. I did it so often, it became natural. I still do it today; around my parents, my friends, everyone.
I used to love summer, but it became such a bad thing for me during my childhood. It meant more exposure of my body. It meant feeling bad. I refused to walk around in a bikini because I felt awful. Still, at ten, I didn't understand why I hated myself so fucking much.
I experimented dieting at ten, cutting out bad food and eating healthy. I didn't exercise, although I was always out playing and I horseback rode a couple of times a week. I eventually gave up, as any short spanned, ten year old would.
The years went on, and the feeling got worse. I never told anyone about it, because I didn't quite understand what was happening to me myself. I have always been self conscious, I've always sucked in, and through the years I've tried dieting. Sometimes it was successful, but eating made me feel bad, and it wasn't a good enough result.
Last year, this anxiety really took it's toll. I started restricting, refusing to eat more than I allowed myself. I was terrified of putting on weight, of becoming fatter than I already was. The voices got louder, they were no longer innocent whispers. They were cruel but loving voices, telling me what was good and bad for me. I believed them. Restricting gave me power and confidence. I was able to control something nobody else could, I was stronger than everyone else. I could do what they couldn't. Last year was also when I stumbled across pro ana, and these blogs. I was amazed. Being the curious person I am, I investigated deeper in to these sites. I couldn't believe it; here are people that share the same problems and feelings with me. I'm not alone. I continued reading through these blogs as the year passed, finding such support and strength from them. This year, I decided to join. I was thrilled that for once, someone wasn't putting me down. I was offered support. This brings us to today.
I'm scared to label myself as 'disordered'. Am I really? I question myself everyday, even though I feel as if I know the answer. Yes. It just feels scary to say it, but now I am getting used to it. I kept telling myself, I can't be labelled by anyone but the doctor, but really, why the hell would I confess this to someone like that? They'll only take it away from me. This is my world, my problem, my comfort, my life.
So yeah, that's my sob story. Hugs to those who actually read it. Now you know a little more about me.
Today has been an up and down. Had cake this morning, purged it in the shower. I find ice cream and chocolate the easiest to purge, and I also know that I should NOT know that. I don't want to be friends with Mia.
I'll update with my resolutions later, this post is long enough as it is.