WARNING: you're entering the zone of a disordered freak. beware.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Well, I'm back. Not at 100lbs, but I'm back for sure. I knew from the beginning I wouldn't be able to stay away, I just typed on impulse. Way to go Ariana. Fuck, I'm probably heavier than when I left. I want to be thin so bad, but my control and motivation just slip sometimes. Then I'll be sitting on the bathroom floor at night, shaking and crying because I can't live with what I am.

J is getting in my head. He temporarily convinced me I was okay the way I was, when I am most definitely not. His last girlfriend gives me motivation; tall, thin, beyond pretty. I've come to the conclusion he's only calling me beautiful because that's a boyfriend thing. He's obviously lying, because I can't figure out what the fuck he sees in me. I need to stop listening to him and do what I want to fucking do.

ANYWAYS, I have a new plan pour moi. Since it's December, I will start off easy. You're probably wondering what the fuck I'm on, but this is what I'm doing. Every single day has to be under 1000 calories. No fucking binges, or no Christmas presents for me. 500 is preferred, but I'll mix it up to keep my metabolism going. I don't think I'll have the guts to go past 800 unless I have that binge feeling, but I can't fuck this up.

Therefore, today is day one! So far I have had 100 calories, and tonight I will have dinner and that will be all. Lots of water, no food.

I will post pictures at 105lbs. Whenever that is. :\

Ariana, xoxo.

1 comment:

  1. Having a loving boyfriend telling you you're beautiful all the time is indeed a motivation stealer. (though it's kind of nice too) But you're strong, and i know you can do it!