this girl is on a strike until she gets skinny. she will no longer care about the world, because this is all that matters. if she falls down, she will get back up and hold her head up. no, she will not be a beauty in breakdown, because she's a fucking beast. one day she will walk down that street with that boyfriend at that time, and she will look perfect. not embarrassed, self conscious, humiliated, angered, miserable. oh no, she will fly! this will no longer be a silly dream, this will come true. she will hold her head high, never skip school because she's scared, will not be paranoid. she will be fucking amazing.
that beautiful boy, whos name shall be J, has asked me to be his. i'm terrified. i'm a horrible lover, i never do anything right, i don't like public affection, i feel dirtydirtyfatfatfat. his last girl was skinnythinbeautiful, and i really, really don't live up to that. he is thin and tall, i am short and fat. what connection is there here, my dear. he says i'm beautiful, i know he is lying. i look in the mirror, but i can't see what he sees. i starestarestare, but all i see is fat, rolls, short, not good enough, help. he wants to go further, i won't until i lose, starve, get skinnier. i hyperventilate at the thought of seeing myself naked. fuck.
eating has been.. strange. i had some amazing days last week, but this weekend has been a disaster. i have been totally out of it, floating from place to place, holding the hands of friends and the ones i love. eating, no i don't want this, no just take it, okay. i'm scared to be alone and i don't want anyone to come near me. where has this attitude come from? i demand an explanation.
here they go again, fucking me over.