WARNING: you're entering the zone of a disordered freak. beware.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


This week has been okay, god awful, terrible, toomanythingsnotenoughtime.

What is balance? I seem to have forgotten. I can't eat without seriously restricting, or binging until food oozes out of my pores. I can't remember how I used to eat. Those habits have been replaced with new ones. I can't eat normally. It's not enough and way too much. Who ever heard of the girl who forgets how to eat? I can't remember what normal looks like, feels like, is supposed to be like. Nothing is normal, my perspective is fucked; tilted on an angle. What I'm doing feels normal, and then it doesn't anymore. It feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Then it welcomes me back with open arms and I'm in bliss again. I'm afraid to fall asleep. I go to bed, thinking about what I'll do tomorrow and how strong I'll be. How I'll be floating above everything else in dreamland. I wake up miserable, knowing everything will fall apart. Someone ripped out my stitches when I was asleep, pulling out the wiring in my brain. It's confusing me to no ends. Is anyone else feeling like this?

I'm going out with a beautiful boy on Friday. I don't want to go; I can't. I skipped school last Friday because I binged the day before and I was so humiliated. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror, so how can I picture myself with him? He's fucking skinny, and so was his last girlfriend. I don't fit in to this equation, it's not possible. I'd rather sit at home with my black coffee and read books, curled up in a warm cocoon of blankets. I am not a social butterfly anymore. I can't stand going out with friends.

Moving on from that, thank you so much for following my blog and reading about my miserable failures. I appreciate it more than anything in this world, to know some people aren't trying to bring me down.

I asked my parents for a new Laptop and a pet rat for Christmas. They said I can only have one.
I chose the pet rat.



  1. Aww hun <33

    I know how you feel when you have no idea what 'normal' is.. :( But when you think of it, who wants to be 'normal' anyway :) ?

    I hope you have a fun time with your lovely boy ^^ ~! You ARE beautiful so have a fun time with him (: !!~ And remember, everyone has slips.. so don't worry too much~ (:
    Think thin! <3

    And I would have chose a pet rat too ;P

    Stay strong sweetie! <3


  2. I feel the same. I can go the entire day without eating and feel amazing and then around 8pm I decide I will try and eat a normal meal and end up binge eating until I want to die. Then I purge until I want to die. I have no idea how to eat normally. When I eat, I cannot stop. And then i always end up feeling terrible for eating. :(

    Pet rat? Eww. I would have chose the computer. =)

  3. Why don't you want to go out with a beautiful boy? you deserve it. Just stay strong and keep moving forward. I know the gultiness you feel when eating but like I said, move forward and keep focused


  4. omg i used to raise rats.lol they are soo cool, i would breed them for my freinds, just make sure that you get them plenty of toys because theyll get fat if you dont keep them entertained. and be ready to be peed on because they pee constantly when they walk, the boys pee a bit more than the girls though. good luck and have fun

    stay strong


  5. OMG! I can't eat normally either. There's just no possible way to do it. Either eat next to nothing or eat until i explode. There is no balance; there is no medium. It's insane! I feel exactly what you feel.

  6. "Who ever heard of the girl who forgets how to eat? I can't remember what normal looks like, feels like, is supposed to be like."

    This is perhaps the most resonating thing I've read in weeks. I feel the exact same way, hun. You're not alone.

    Try to go out with the boy. I know it's hard. I know it feels nearly impossible even. But if he asked you, then he's interested. He means it. This is your chance!