WARNING: you're entering the zone of a disordered freak. beware.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

scattered thoughts

Reading over my last post, I am sorry it's so unorganized. In the future, I will not post when I'm about to pass out from exhaustion. My thoughts and aspirations are allowing themselves to spill all over the page without my permission, yet I can't seem to stop them. They seep in between the lines. Rotting stains.

I question myself everyday. Why. Do. I. Do. This. A have a thousand answers and can't even say one. I sit here eating, imagining the places I'll go and the things I'll do when I reach t.h.i.n. I'm excited, inspired, motivated. Then I think about what I'm doing. Eating. Thinking. What's wrong with this picture? Nothing. Everything. I'm speaking my own language that nobody can understand. I'm stomping my feet but nobody listens. Hello, over here. I fell through the looking glass but the ghosts pushed me back out. Permission denied. Nope, non, never. I promise tomorrow will be better, but it seems today keeps dragging on. The cycle never stops. Wash, rinse, repeat. The voices only taunt me when I'm alone. Even the music can't drown out their noise. I breathe out my dreams and inhale the disappointment, the reality.

I'm thinking that I should stop hiding, and start now.
I'm thinking about the boy who is going to hurt himself when he sees I'm nothing.
I'm thinking about everyone else, because I know how they feel.
I'm thinking about how I can't remember what feeling thin is like.
I'm thinking about how I've been there, and how it should be easy if I've walked the trail before.
I'm thinking about how I don't know what day it is, because the pounds only matter.
I'm thinking about how I could sleep forever.
I'm thinking about why my body hurts, why my kidneys hurt, why my head hurts.
I'm thinking about why this post doesn't make sense and how depressing it sounds.
I'm thinking about how I could go on forever about my thoughts.

I always have much more to say, but when I actually get here I'm speechless. I'll waste the hours away, thinking about what to post, but I never remember. So literally, today sucked fucking ass. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to rip my skin to shreds but I won't because I'm too scared and tired to attempt. I want to sleep the weight away. Maybe if I sleep for three months, I'll wake up and scare myself because I'll be skinnier and that's something I haven't seen in forever. Then I'll put war paint on my face and run through the town naked to see if anyone recognizes me. Now I'm getting carried away.

I'm sorry for the silly posts, the endless rants, the emotional spillings, and all the other shit I've been posting lately. It will stop once I hit reality again.

And to all my watchers, you're all fucking amazing. I love every single one of you. I haven't commented on anyone's blog because I'm scared I'll say something ridiculous, because I've been in that mood the past couple of days.

It's Thanksgiving on Monday and I'm fucking terrified.

1 comment:

  1. Rambling, ranting, raving and running naked are all equally strange and completely normal things. Except maybe the running naked thing. I'd leave that one in the bedroom. Stay strong, and more importantly, stay happy! T.