WARNING: you're entering the zone of a disordered freak. beware.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

negative no more.

I'm debating on whether I should delete my last few posts, because honestly, they are morbidly depressing. It makes me cringe just to read over them because they are so terrible and disgusting and I don't know because my vocabulary lacks extraordinary words! I am back to myself, my radio has touched earth, and I am in a fabulous mood! Although I certainly don't deserve to be because my eating today has been too much as it has been the past few days, so I won't touch down on that too much. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and since my family seems to think I have a ravenous disease because I was in hospital, I will get away with not eating much at dinner. I hate family dinners, it's too cosy, too together, too family-ish. I am an antisocial creature and I do not want to leave my room, merci beaucoup. So go have fun and give me my laptop back before you leave.

I am thinking once I break 100lbs I will post pictures. Although I'm short and small and childish-looking and self conscious. Too self conscious for this strange personality I possess. Although it will take some time before I break that banner because I am slow and the nurses are stalking me and my blood won't lie and my parents won't SHUT UP. But I will try and swear to fucking god I will get there because I won't give up. As long as the peanut butter and the bread and the cheese and the oreos and the ice cream will stop crawling into my head and stealing my thoughts. No more excuses! Ariana is going to do it or die trying. Ha ha ha ha! And if I don't, you all have to tell me what a downright utter waste of space I am, but that won't happen because I will get there if it means sewing my mouth shut. Now I'm getting ahead of myself and making myself excited over nothing.

Anyways! I must go bake a chocolate cake against my will for Thanksgiving tomorrow to show that I actually do care even though skipping that gathering would be heaven. I will resist and the batter will not jump into my mouth and I will not want it and I will not throw the bowl at the wall because it pissed me off. Tomorrow will be nothing more than Thanksgiving dinner. Other than that, water, black coffee, and my dear Diet Coke.

I am thinking I should call my friends to let them know I am alive and out of hospital even though they don't care and have no interest for me. I am thinking I should just disappear off the side of the earth and never ever talk to them until I have to or until they actually remember I'm a human being that they pretend to like! Then I will pretend to be relieved they care, or just ignore their calls all together. That sounds better.

One more thing! I need music. Anything! I don't care if it makes me go What the hell, or makes me cry, or makes me depressed or seriously happy, just anything. Thinspirational, amusing, upbeat, slow, show me whatcha got.

Love you all, stay strong, beautiful and happy!


  1. lisa mitchell, massive attack, muse, ingrid michaelson, iron and wine, imogen heap, fine frenzy.

    I'm sure your friends would be so happy if you called them

    good luck!

  2. Crystal Castles. Not sure if you'd like it, but they remind me of you a lot and vice-versa. Good luck with Thanks Giving. Stay strong, and smile. T.