i'm tired. oh so tired. i'm at the point where i'm constantly dancing on the line between consciousness and sleep, and everything feels light. swallowing pretty little pills laced with chemicals to make me sleep like a normal person and be happy. and normal, normal, normal.

one of my best friends lost weight extremely rapidly this time two years ago. i played the role; asked the are you okay? and always got the i'm fine. it's like a script, really. we cannot dare to go beyond what's normal. i can tell by the way she looks at food like it will be the reason for her death, how she got impossibly paler, how she's so weak, that she's ednos. guess it takes one to know one. i should probably care more, but i've never been close to people. why start now?

i should probably make it a new years resolution, but quite frankly, i don't want to. i like it the way it is.

i'm going vegetarian this year. i haven't thought up of a reason why, but it seems fresh and renewing. we shall see. anyways, happy new year! i'm debating getting drunk out of my mind, but the calorie content is scaring me. what's new?

much love

ariana, xoxo.

winter seems to surround my mind like a blanket. it's my favourite season, full of christmas spirit, the smell of ginger, and snow days, but it also darkens my mind. depression constantly threatens to surface, dancing with my thoughts, bringing back the what ifs? when it hurts to get up the morning and I just want to cry. my therapist tells me i have seasonal affective disorder.

i find peace within myself; i like to be alone. crowds send my mind into flurries. nobody else seems to understand this.

ten pounds to boot before christmas. care to join me?

much love

ariana, xoxo.

fall is my favourite season.

fall has always been my favourite season.

it's warm tea, cinnamon candles, imogen heap, and over-sized sweaters.

it's hiding beneath layers of clothes and feeling a little better about yourself.

i haven't been here in a while. have you all forgotten about me? you've always been in my mind. it's nice to read all of your blogs again.

keep well.

ariana, xoxo.

Follow me on tumblr!

Sorry about the last post, I was just totally freaking the fuck out.

I currently stand at 110 lbs.

Ew.

There are mornings I just wake up and feel absolutely out of it.

I can't stand up without puking and my head is pounding, and the only way to fix it is to eat.

But I can't eat.

Suggestions? Tea doesn't work.

I won't be posting here as much anymore.

Follow me on tumblr! They have the BEST thinspo there I have ever seen.

http://arianaimperfections.tumblr.com/

comment if you have tumblr and i'll follow you! ♥

ariana, xoxo.

i need a texting buddy.

i need someone to text who lives in CANADA.

please, i'm fucking begging.

i don't care what age, how strict you are, blah blah. i just need someone who shares my problems and who i can text at my weakest moment.

please? :(

♥

Thinking about prom, summer, and sex literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Broke down last night thinking of how fat I am.

My average in one of my classes is fifty four percent. I am postively not going to make it far with education.

Making up marks with plenty of extra assignments.

Intake so far, 150.

Dinner is still to come.

I will get there and be so fucking skinny.

There is no other choice now. My control is here and forever it will stay.

♥

It's been a while since I've updated. I've been home all week, but avoiding the blogs. I don't feel worthy of posting. I've been eating normally, maybe a little under my intake. This week has been numb. It's blurred by. I've been alone all the time. I don't mind being alone, I just hate being lonely. Oh, and I've had seven hundred calories today. And I think my bellybutton piercing is infected.

If you're not losing weight, you're not trying hard enough.

This is my cinnamon and vanilla candle in my room. It smells heavenly and helps me relax.

Do you ever just stand in the shower and have conversations with yourself? Like, ranting to yourself in your head. Topic after topic, talking, talking. I never stop talking to myself. I find it hard not to, plus it makes me feel lonely.

There is this beautiful girl in my school, who we shall name Belle. Belle is everything I am on the outside, that I am on the inside. She has the same style tastes, art tastes, photography tastes. But Belle is flawless. She's not fat, she's not terribly skinny. She has the smoothest curves and the biggest eyes. She looks a little cross eyed though. (Aren't I terrible picking out peoples' flaws?) But her Bambi brown eyes, red lipstick, and fascination for small, unimportant, yet beautiful things, is so intriguing. She is friends with the boyfriend, and they have similar music tastes. I want to kiss her, hate her, punch her, envy her, just stare at her for a moment. She's so fucking amazing and it's killing me. She'll never love poetry like I do though. She can read between the lines, but not what's hiding under them. Only the lost and searching can do that.

So I showered pushing her out of my hair and down the drain. I purged while I was in there too. No reason. (Although I have overeaten so much today, it's horrendous.) I feel much better though. My punishment has been served, and we are starting back at square one.

So, March Break, Spring Break, whatever we crazy kids call it, is coming up for me next week. Boyfriend is in Boston. Best friend #1 is in Florida. Best friend #2 is in Ontario. (No reason for one and two, it's just whoever came to mind first.)

What a crazy girl I am.

Ariana, xoxo.

I fucking love it when my boyfriend decides to hang out with two hot girls, claiming he 'called me twice but I wouldn't answer'.

Makes me feel so fucking amazing about myself.

Fuck.

[five hundred calories.]

just a little something to the people in my life who try to get in my way.

Fuck you family, fuck you friends, fuck you school. Fuck you calories, fuck you binges, and fuck your nasty comments. Suck my fucking dick and go fuck yourself.

So tell me, who would you like to give a 'fuck you' to?

[Excluding fuck skinny. We all need it.]

most times, it's just a lot easier not to let the world know what's wrong.

i was just about to start typing this post when oh fuck. put laptop down, run to the bathroom, slave over the toilet and throw up the food that's not there. hear yourself renching and your stomach bubbling as the green bile hits the toilet water. ariana, you have no fucking immune system. stop being sick.

weekend? fucking failfailfail. living at friend's house for the weekend, partying and dancing like the world is falling down. eating peanut butter(no, no, no ariana!), cookies, chips, ice cream, completely ignoring that i am in fact lactose intolerant. oh right, ariana, did you forget about that? you fucking fuck up. came home, sore, bloated, looking like i'm pregnant. i shit you not, i am not exaggerating.

this sickness isn't due to dairy, there's a bug going around our neighbourhood. in other words, my second family. and of course, i have to get it. always has been this way, always will be. so therefore, no calories have been ingested today. in fact, i'm probably negative with all the shit i threw up this morning. before the stomach acid.

fuck.

oh my land, one hundred and two followers! i love each and every single one of you. all of you are my inspiration to keep going.

ariana, xoxo.

day five.

intake: tea, four fish sticks, peanut butter toast, six hundred calories.

i would have much preferred if i'd substituted that peanut butter for margarine. oh fuck ariana.

okay, new rules just because:

-- eight hundred calories a day max.

-- mix them up each day; fool miss metabolism here.

-- try and exercise you lazy bastard.

-- no forbidden foods.

what forbidden foods, ariana?

these little bitches right here.

-- peanut butter.

-- cookies.

-- chips.

-- chocolate.

-- ice cream.

-- anything fattening basically.

anything else i can add to this list?

ariana, xoxo.

day four.

intake; special k crisps, 100 - french toast, 250 - rice, 150 - 500 calories.

but, no. mother decides to get me something from wendy's. and to be honest, it was my fault. i was whining for something from there a couple of days ago because i had an intense craving. i accidentally said it out loud instead of in my head. she got me a chicken wrap. 310 calories.

it's one of the lowest calorie things on the menu, so it's not all that bad.

all and all, that's a total of 810 calories. i feel bloated as fuck.

ariana, xoxo.

thinspiration; everybody loves it.

here's some of my favourite thinspiration. i know i've used some of it in previous posts but it's my top ones. i hope you love it as much as i do, cos these pictures get me through the day. (:

ariana, xoxo

^ lights. i absolutely adore her.

day three.

i love summer skies in the winter. it gives me that shimmer of hope that one day, the warmth won't only linger on the glass the sun shines through, but it will actually touch my soul and warm up my heart. if only.

i wish i could stop dreaming and wake up, but this empty, shaky feeling just feels too good to give up. i've been craving this feeling for so fucking long.

i wish i could see the world in a beautiful, poetic way all the time. i see glances of this place, but they go as soon as they arrive. then i'm back to the sight of this small, cold, grey town.

i'm a dreamer with an imagination too big in comparison with reality.

intake; slice of bread, one cookie, two slices of toast with margarine, four hundred and fifty calories.

day two.

Intake; small low-fat pizza, handful of cereal, four hundred calories.

J knows. I told him, because really, I've told him everything about me. He knows more about me than my own mother. He has been through a pretty deep past, with thoughts of suicide, killing, what not. He says I should be scared of him, but in all honesty, I scare myself more than he scares me. Although he wants me to go see someone about these thoughts and habits, he won't make me he says. He says he'll respect my decisions, as long as I don't kill myself. I'm fucking scared that someone else knows. He holds my future in his hands.

I'll post pictures of my piercing when I build up the confidence to do so.

Ariana, xoxo.

i got my navel pierced.

HOLY FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER. the clamp hurting more than the needle? my dear friends, for me, that was bullshit. the guy did put the need through REALLY slowly though, so that may be why. fucking-fuck fucker. it hurt, just saying.

i know i said i would update for a whole week with my food updates; i didn't, i know.

i was busy. last week was.. okay. all under the daily limit other than yesterday.

let's not even go there.

BUT, i will start today. i'll update later after dinner.

UPDATE;

intake - 500 calories.

pieces of my mind.

everytime i see a thin girl, i get this deep anger that develops in the pit of my chest. it pumps this poison through my blood, and slowly envelops my brain and mind with such loathing thoughts. the kind of thoughts that make you want to crawl up in a ball and hibernate until the sun is welcoming and the breeze is warm.

why don't humans hibernate? it's a ridiculous choice by mother nature. human's shall hibernate one day. they will.

oh, and happy valentine's day.

bonjour, mes amies.

alors, i am back from québec. and i am tired, i am restless, i am pissed off, i am frustrated, my mind is running a million miles an hour, and most of all, i am fat.

fatty fat fat fat fatty fat fat.

i ate three meals a day; nothing more, nothing less. mostly because i was too scared to order food. it's pathetic that i'll use french around my friends and at school, but in public? fuck it. i can hardly speak to people in english without stuttering, staring at the ground, or making things unbearably awkward. ariana, get a life.

i have french and english and other things i do not want oozing out of my brain. stay back in, please. i do not want this to get messy.

ALORS, J'AI CRÉÉ UN NOUVEAU PLAN.

all healthy food, no yucky-gross-extremely-fattening foods. only exception is if this kind of food is served for dinner when with my parents. for the next seven days, i will report every single calorie i inhale right here. i will do it.

because ariana, this is do or die.

ariana, why is that you NEVER learn from your countless mistakes?
you have yourself in a vicious cycle, m'dear, let it go.

thought one; i'm hungry. don't eat.
thought two; okay, just a little.
thought three; NOMNOMNOMNOM.
thought four; FUCK.
thought five; i will not repeat this again, remember this feeling.

THIS has been my thought process for the past two days. what is happening to me?!??

okay, forget it. no more, ariana. go do something more productive instead of crying and wallowing and attempting to purge then freaking out because it's kind of scary.
or even comment on blogs??

demain, je vais aller au quebec.
i've been speaking french since i could walk and i don't even know if that's right.
i'm supposed to be fucking bilingual. oh, i'm pathetic.

but yes, i am going to quebec for four days with some friends. this means speaking french and attempting to eat as little as possible. i will succeed, because then on saturday i agreed to get my belly button pierced.
what. the. fuck. was. i. thinking.

ariana, you're losing it. not that you really had it in the first place.

monday, tuesday, wednesday; 700-900 calories.

thursday; 200 calories.

friday so far; 250 calories.

i'm in a bingey-let's-eat mode. stay away from the kitchen, go elsewhere. i need gum, but i can't find any

FUCK.

don't eat. don't eat. don't eat. don't eat.

skinnyskinnyskinny

fuck, i hate myself.

sorry i haven't been commenting for the past few months. i'm scared too, to be honest. scared that i can give advice, but not live up to my own. ffffffuck.

i do read them all, i promise i really do.

ariana, xoxo

good GOD ariana, are you out of your fucking mind??

go study, comment on blogs, do something other than EAT.

what about that elliptical machine?? you've only spent 20 minutes on it today.

for fuck's sake, grow up already.

now, ariana. when will you learn that you are not as smart as you originally thought you were? you silly little(or big?) girl, your brain only computes one thing at a time. do you really think you can force all these things in to it's tiny memory at once? non, tu ne peux pas. you're fucking stupid, never forget that love.
! end of pep talk !

this weekend was pretty awful. it wasn't exactly the amounts, it's the fact that it was all junk food. no greens, nothing healthy. i was with friends both saturday and sunday, and healthy food doesn't seem to exist with them. i was with K, the one that wants to lose weight? hello?!?! what the fuck are you doing eating this shit then!?!?
this girl confuses me, but complain i will not. if ariana is skinnier, ariana is happier.

i also went snowboarding on sunday, three hours hardcore. my ass hurts like a fucking bitch.

last week i must admit, went well. no more than 700 calories a day for five days. which is good for me, and is also quite sad. can you tell this has been the first time in let's say, forever, i've been set back on the tracks?

fuck you, ariana. you suck. go die. or study for exams, that would help.
so, how have you all been?

satellite heart, lost in the dark.

intake so far; grapes, pizza, between five and six hundred calories..

the last few days have been at around five hundred. the fat girl inside-- and out! -- is being rather quiet. there are times where she'll crawl up my throat and threaten to reveal herself, but the skinny would-be self manages to drag her back down.

my jeans are too big. i keep having to pull them up, which is rather exciting. i'm feeling a little skinnier, too. still fat, but it's an improvement.

i have exams in exactly thirteen days, and i can't concentrate on studying. it's quite ridiculous, seeing how i have done this plenty of times and have sworn to change, but never do. ariana, tu es une idiote.

sorry i haven't been commenting, but i have been reading, i swear. i can't pick up the courage to give someone advice when i can hardly do it myself. i will get back in to it though, i promise.

ariana, xoxo.

intake: one cinnamon muffin, small granola bar, three fish sticks, two slices toast, five hundred and twenty two calories.

meh, i would've liked better, but it's okay. the last few days have been horrible, so it's nice to be restricting today.

kim said.. 95lbs?! u must be pretty short in order for that to look good.

unfortunately, i am. i'm five feet and one inch. it seriously sucks.

i'm going to go out and buy a pretty food journal, making sure i obsess over every calorie i write down. my weight has been staying the same for the past couple of weeks, so hopefully writing down my sins will stop me from eating more than i'm supposed to. nobody wants to look back at failures.

my boyfriend is being a fucking asshole. he's being blunt, pissy, and clingy. maybe it's just me.

ariana, xoxo.

i have to re write this because blogger is a fucking bitch.

intake: three pecan cookies, two slices bread, four hundred and fifty calories.

resolutions: get under ninety five pounds, clean up my diet, socialize, study more, stop skipping, keep smiling.

thank you for the comments on my last post. you are all fucking amazing, never forget that.

ariana, xoxo.