i need a texting buddy.

i need someone to text who lives in CANADA.

please, i'm fucking begging.

i don't care what age, how strict you are, blah blah. i just need someone who shares my problems and who i can text at my weakest moment.

please? :(

♥

Thinking about prom, summer, and sex literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Broke down last night thinking of how fat I am.

My average in one of my classes is fifty four percent. I am postively not going to make it far with education.

Making up marks with plenty of extra assignments.

Intake so far, 150.

Dinner is still to come.

I will get there and be so fucking skinny.

There is no other choice now. My control is here and forever it will stay.

♥

It's been a while since I've updated. I've been home all week, but avoiding the blogs. I don't feel worthy of posting. I've been eating normally, maybe a little under my intake. This week has been numb. It's blurred by. I've been alone all the time. I don't mind being alone, I just hate being lonely. Oh, and I've had seven hundred calories today. And I think my bellybutton piercing is infected.

If you're not losing weight, you're not trying hard enough.

This is my cinnamon and vanilla candle in my room. It smells heavenly and helps me relax.

Do you ever just stand in the shower and have conversations with yourself? Like, ranting to yourself in your head. Topic after topic, talking, talking. I never stop talking to myself. I find it hard not to, plus it makes me feel lonely.

There is this beautiful girl in my school, who we shall name Belle. Belle is everything I am on the outside, that I am on the inside. She has the same style tastes, art tastes, photography tastes. But Belle is flawless. She's not fat, she's not terribly skinny. She has the smoothest curves and the biggest eyes. She looks a little cross eyed though. (Aren't I terrible picking out peoples' flaws?) But her Bambi brown eyes, red lipstick, and fascination for small, unimportant, yet beautiful things, is so intriguing. She is friends with the boyfriend, and they have similar music tastes. I want to kiss her, hate her, punch her, envy her, just stare at her for a moment. She's so fucking amazing and it's killing me. She'll never love poetry like I do though. She can read between the lines, but not what's hiding under them. Only the lost and searching can do that.

So I showered pushing her out of my hair and down the drain. I purged while I was in there too. No reason. (Although I have overeaten so much today, it's horrendous.) I feel much better though. My punishment has been served, and we are starting back at square one.

So, March Break, Spring Break, whatever we crazy kids call it, is coming up for me next week. Boyfriend is in Boston. Best friend #1 is in Florida. Best friend #2 is in Ontario. (No reason for one and two, it's just whoever came to mind first.)

What a crazy girl I am.

Ariana, xoxo.

I fucking love it when my boyfriend decides to hang out with two hot girls, claiming he 'called me twice but I wouldn't answer'.

Makes me feel so fucking amazing about myself.

Fuck.

[five hundred calories.]

just a little something to the people in my life who try to get in my way.

Fuck you family, fuck you friends, fuck you school. Fuck you calories, fuck you binges, and fuck your nasty comments. Suck my fucking dick and go fuck yourself.

So tell me, who would you like to give a 'fuck you' to?

[Excluding fuck skinny. We all need it.]

most times, it's just a lot easier not to let the world know what's wrong.

i was just about to start typing this post when oh fuck. put laptop down, run to the bathroom, slave over the toilet and throw up the food that's not there. hear yourself renching and your stomach bubbling as the green bile hits the toilet water. ariana, you have no fucking immune system. stop being sick.

weekend? fucking failfailfail. living at friend's house for the weekend, partying and dancing like the world is falling down. eating peanut butter(no, no, no ariana!), cookies, chips, ice cream, completely ignoring that i am in fact lactose intolerant. oh right, ariana, did you forget about that? you fucking fuck up. came home, sore, bloated, looking like i'm pregnant. i shit you not, i am not exaggerating.

this sickness isn't due to dairy, there's a bug going around our neighbourhood. in other words, my second family. and of course, i have to get it. always has been this way, always will be. so therefore, no calories have been ingested today. in fact, i'm probably negative with all the shit i threw up this morning. before the stomach acid.

fuck.

oh my land, one hundred and two followers! i love each and every single one of you. all of you are my inspiration to keep going.

ariana, xoxo.