fuck.

fuck capital letters and punctuation for this post, i only have a minute to type this post before some kind of beast from the family comes down and snatches the computer away from my chubby little hands.

let's have a re-cap of the last few days, shall we? saturday, fast. sunday, 270 calories. monday, same sunday. tuesday, 440 calories. today? biggest fucking failure of my lifetime. i want to scream, eat, cry, eat, attempt purge, eat, fuckeveryfuckingthing, then fuckingeatmyfuckingfaceoff. what is wrong with me? the last few days went by perfectly. i was hopeful i was beginning to lose. i felt light and airy and dizzy that even if i fell off the highest cliff i would float down like a balloon. why did i give up this feeling, exactly? because i'm an unworthy, binging cow. the amount of calories i ate today was twice as much as i'd eaten the last four days. i'm a failure. i want to scream until the world falls down. i want to purge but my body won't let go. i want to hide under every blanket i have and sleep there for weeks. my grades are fucking horrible, my friends hate me, and i can't even do this?

the train always manages to fall off the track, or find a way to fuck it all up. this train needs fixed or replaced, before it explodes in to a million pieces.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

fasts fix everything.

Fucked up yesterday. The train de-railed and fell over, sliding across the ice. Today the ice thawed, the train found the track through the fog, and everything was running smoothly again. In other words, I fasted today. It was extremely easy too, I've not craved anything yet. I'm hungry, but it feels good. It's welcoming, almost soothing.

I'm not writing much because I put fake nails on, and they're pissing me off.
It's hard to type.

Ariana.
xo

little bird, where have you gone.

Hier, my intake came to around 550 calories. I'm sure my control is slowly sinking back in to me, but I don't want to jinx myself. I've become very good at doing that. Today's intake has been 370 calories, and I might have a tangerine later if I feel my willpower slipping through my fingers. I apologize about my last post, again. I have these strange, depressing episodes where I have to write something morbidly disgusting, then I regret it later. Way to go, Ariana.

Are negative calorie fruits real, or is it just a myth? Everywhere I look, they have both sides of the battle. I need one side, kay thanks. One of my.. friends, K, is accusing my other friend, E, of having an eating disorder, and she's being extremely uptight about it. It's hysterical. I have to sit there at lunch biting my tongue. E is fucking pale, and always has been. She's lost quite a bit of weight over the past two years, but not drastically. I don't fucking care what either of them have to say, as long as I get skinnier. Ha.

I apologize, again, for not commenting on blogs. I've read them all, I promise. I have a month's worth of school work to catch up with because of the hospital-sick-diabetes-don'tfuckingknow situation. I was off for three-four weeks, because everyone is overreacting about the H1N1 bullshit. I'd be happy if I got the Swine Flu, it's an excuse not to eat.

Aren't I just the most pessimistic person you've ever met?

Ariana.
xo

scattered thoughts #2

Ignore this post, I'm just being emotional/overtired/a wreck.

I want to curl up in a ball and never see the daylight again. I will make a nest in the bathroom and live off the water from the sink. No food will ever enter my mouth and travel through my body, and the weight will drop off me like rainwater. I will be delivered books and new music through the letterbox I will build in the door. I will read about things I'd never imagine glancing at, and explore every genre of music. I will paint the walls with literature, a hundred thousand words staring holes in my back. I'll learn every language spoken. Monday I'll be singing in Latvian and Tuesday I'll be scalding myself in Chinese. The only other contact I'll have will be with my pet rat, Harold. We'll live happily forever until the world crumbles beneath the cracks of the universe and everything is engulfed in darkness.

I have to stop dreaming and keep in touch with reality. The days float by, minutes tick slowly, but the hours pass too fast. The calorie counter keeps increasing, until it exceeds it's limit and explodes into a thousand shards. The feelings are not vivid, but I try to believe they are. The work is whining to be done, but I pretend it's not there. It can wait, it's not priority. Wait, yes it is. It is priority, but it's not important enough for me to care. I'm piecing my sanity back together with tape, but it's not strong enough. It will work temporarily, but it's only making it's condition worse. Ariana put her life back in the toy box and somebody else has already taken it.

Nine hundred and fifty calories today. Each, single calorie is eating away at my brain. Fat, failure, weak, disappointment, unworthy, fuck you, youfailfailfail. You can't do this, nobody wants you, go curl up in your box and don't come back. You're on time out, you need a life, you need mental help. No, I'm quite fine, thank you.

I need a plan. I need a schedule. I need something to make me think I'm alive, in this time period, not a ghost floating by this century. I want friends, I want him, but he doesn't want me no more. He threw Ariana in the trash can and didn't bother to recycle. He knows, he knows, he knows. He knows everything, he reads my mind, I'm scared. He's planted tape recorders in my brains and feeds on my thoughts. Who wants anything to do with this silly, messed up little girl? I don't blame him, in all honesty.

The doctors can erase my mind, but the obsession is embedded in my blood. It rules my soul, my life, my body. I can't control it anymore. What is this?

Ariana.
xo

My, my, it's been three days. Wednesday I was too ashamed to post, Thursday I was too lazy to post, but today seems okay I am thinking. Since it's been brought up, Wednesday was all binge-mode. I can't even recall what I ate, I was in a drunken haze of calories. Yesterday my intake was 600, and today has been 450, so it's good to be back on track.

The biggest reason I'm posting is because I need somewhere to rant. Shocker, I know. I did promise I wouldn't whine anymore, but this deserves to be ranted about. They now have a Starbucks in our shitty little town. This is fucking huge. Starbucks was my saviour, my love, my heroine when I lived in the city. When I moved to where I currently live now, I found out they didn't have it. I almost had heart failure. And just when I'm getting used to not having my daily dose of love, they bring it over here? Fuck you, Starbucks. You and your amazing, calorie-filled cappuccinos. My mom also got these amazing sugar cookies. They only sell them on Valentines and Halloween, and they're fucking good. I had one yesterday and today, but I honestly can't wait until they're gone. They're is 180 calories in one of those little fuckers. That's a big ass dent in my intake. I want to pull my hair out and lock myself in my room. I can arrange that. /rant

Oh wait, one more thing. It's snowing. It's fucking snowing. Is mother nature mad at this little place? Did we do something to upset you? I apologize for all of us. So please, just bring back the fucking Fall. It's the only season I like.

I had to go back to the doctor's office again. Poke, poke, poke. I'm on iron supplements and some other shit. I blocked out the bitch completely and let my mom listen, since she insisted on coming. All I know is that they want more of my blood. Holy shit.

This post sounds intellectual. Sarcasm.

Ariana.
xo

finding the path.

I love this girl. I found this picture a couple of weeks ago, then closed the window without saving the damn thing. I just found it again today and fell in love. I adore her hipbones and thighs, she looks so light and fragile and pretty. I keep staring at it, and it's making me feel like a pervert.

Today has been pretty good, I'm now focused again. Ariana has came out of the loony bin and has scrubbed her mind clean of diseases and lies. I attempted to fry two egg whites this morning. They looked more like pancakes than fried eggs. I swear to god, I've never put so much effort into cooking. Quite sad, isn't it. That was around 40 calories, including a quick spray of PAM oil stuff. I had some pasta for supper, which was 390 exactement. Add five calories for gum and we have a grand total of 435 calories. I was chewing my nails this morning out of frustration that I was so fucking tempted to eat. It was driving me insane.

I have more blood tests tomorrow, and I don't wanna go, but my mom offered to drive me and now I'm fucked because I accepted. I already know I'm Anemic, I know I have a heart murmur, what the fuck else do they want to dump on me? I'm not as sick as it sounds, I just tend to over exaggerate when I whine.

Anyways, I have nothing more to report, so I'm done for now my loves.

Ariana

xo

here comes the sun.

I must say I utterly despise Thanksgiving, with a newborn passion. Why must we celebrate every event with eating, eating, and more eating? There are other ways to celebrate, like parties, and gifts, and everything else that doesn't involve food. I don't know, maybe I'm just trying to do the impossible. It was terrible today. There was so much food. I don't even want to know how many calories went through me. I think I might use the laxatives to wash them all out. Whoosh!

Thank you for the music suggestions, Stick Thin and Tabbi! I loved every single band and singer. New music is so refreshing. Mwah.

Anyways, it's a two day school week, which is fabulous. I should be studying for what, five tests that I think I have. I don't even know what subjects, so fuck it all. I was sick, that's a good enough excuse. Je ne pense pas. Tuesday and Wednesday will both be under 500 calories, because I need to get back on track. If I stay off the track any longer, I'll lose sight of it and I'll be wondering through the land of desperation and misery. Oh, shit! The doctors are stealing more blood from me on Wednesday, I completely forgot. That's too bad, because no amount of blood is stopping me from restricting, mes amis. They can all go to hell, because I stopped caring a long time ago.

I still need to call my friends, I forgot to do it. Shit. I've been rather forgetful recently. No, I'm pretty sure I've always been.

I'm thinking I should go watch Gossip Girl and throw inanimate objects at the TV because they're all so glamorous and beautiful and perfectperfectperfect. That sounds perfect.

I'm sorry I haven't done any commenting. I'm sorry I seem so selfish to complain about myself then not bother to even encourage others. I'm sorry I'm coming across as a self centered bitch. I'm sorry I'm such a fucked up mess that is currently hysterical over so many things. But I swear to the high heavens, I will comment tomorrow, or the day after. I swear, I promise, I bow down on my fucking knees.

Now, off to do homework and watch Gossip Girl.

Love you all, stay strong, beautiful and happy!
xo