Well, soon anyways.
Fasting tomorrow because there is a pretty good chance I will be drinking tomorrow night. I don't drink much at all, other than big events like weddings, christmas, etc. It makes me feel icky, but I'm craving freedom right now. I wanna get hammered and chill out. Sans the calories.
Fuck.
Intake:
Dinner - 400
Cake - 200 ):
Chocolate - fuck knows, purged it.
Purged successfully this time, but it feels like my sinuses are on fire. Let's not make this a habit s'il-vous-plait.
Smile.
Ariana, xoxo.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
bonjour.
Comment ça va mes ami(e)s?
Back to school next week, means back to French. Dear lord, I suck at speaking French.
Thank you all for the Happy Birthday's and the comments. And for the watchers! I never noticed I had fifty-four, good God. I love you all, for whatever reason you're following my blog.
New diet; Green tea and fruit! I wanna cut all the greasy, yucky stuff out of my diet. Mostly because I feel better and more energetic when it's all natural. Still restricting as usual.
I've been eating dairy all day and I feel like shit. I found out from my doctor that I'm intolerant to peanuts. Thank god, I'm a sucker for peanut butter.
Short update; failed today, of course. Tomorrow and New years will be a new beginning.
I'm not feeling too bad about it, because it wasn't a binge. I can't really.. binge anymore unless it's fruit and vegetables.
I'm off to watch anime, draw, and drink green tea.
Keep smiling.
Ariana, xoxo.
Back to school next week, means back to French. Dear lord, I suck at speaking French.
Thank you all for the Happy Birthday's and the comments. And for the watchers! I never noticed I had fifty-four, good God. I love you all, for whatever reason you're following my blog.
New diet; Green tea and fruit! I wanna cut all the greasy, yucky stuff out of my diet. Mostly because I feel better and more energetic when it's all natural. Still restricting as usual.
I've been eating dairy all day and I feel like shit. I found out from my doctor that I'm intolerant to peanuts. Thank god, I'm a sucker for peanut butter.
Short update; failed today, of course. Tomorrow and New years will be a new beginning.
I'm not feeling too bad about it, because it wasn't a binge. I can't really.. binge anymore unless it's fruit and vegetables.
I'm off to watch anime, draw, and drink green tea.
Keep smiling.
Ariana, xoxo.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
birthday.
c'est mon anniversaire, mes amis.
thank god my mother didn't get me a cake. i'm beginning to be thankful for being lactose intolerant. but you know what she did get me? a mirror. a full size, big ass, fucking mirror.
THERE IS A REASON I DIDN'T HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM, KAY THANKS.
she must've been fed up with me standing in her room, staring at her own mirror for hours. i'm a basement dweller, i'm not supposed to retrieve to the surface. no, not really. i can't stand being in the house, it's too close the the food.
anyways, i've been munching on skittles and mints for the past three days. i've not even finished half a bag of either, so i suppose it could be worse.
i think i should post a picture of what i look like right now. i'm going to seriously regret this.
i'm seriously thinking about getting my collarbones pierced. dermal piercings do look quite sore though. i pierced my own belly button in the eighth grade, and i get injections all the fucking time, so it can't be that bad. i don't even fucking care, i'm going to do it. (:
ariana, xoxo.
thank god my mother didn't get me a cake. i'm beginning to be thankful for being lactose intolerant. but you know what she did get me? a mirror. a full size, big ass, fucking mirror.
THERE IS A REASON I DIDN'T HAVE ONE IN MY ROOM, KAY THANKS.
she must've been fed up with me standing in her room, staring at her own mirror for hours. i'm a basement dweller, i'm not supposed to retrieve to the surface. no, not really. i can't stand being in the house, it's too close the the food.
anyways, i've been munching on skittles and mints for the past three days. i've not even finished half a bag of either, so i suppose it could be worse.
i think i should post a picture of what i look like right now. i'm going to seriously regret this.
i'm seriously thinking about getting my collarbones pierced. dermal piercings do look quite sore though. i pierced my own belly button in the eighth grade, and i get injections all the fucking time, so it can't be that bad. i don't even fucking care, i'm going to do it. (:
ariana, xoxo.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas girlies and boys, if there happens to be any. (:
The past few days have been.. eventful. I'm throwing everything up I eat or it's going RIGHT through me, if you know what I mean. I've been chewing on wintergreen mints all day, being cautious because there is 50 calories in four of those things?!
Time to get back on track, I swear this food is the reason I'm getting sick.
It's all poison.
Oh yes, and now I'm lactose intolerant and my body creates antibodies against wholewheat?
Goodbye dairy and bread. ;)
Ariana, xoxo.
The past few days have been.. eventful. I'm throwing everything up I eat or it's going RIGHT through me, if you know what I mean. I've been chewing on wintergreen mints all day, being cautious because there is 50 calories in four of those things?!
Time to get back on track, I swear this food is the reason I'm getting sick.
It's all poison.
Oh yes, and now I'm lactose intolerant and my body creates antibodies against wholewheat?
Goodbye dairy and bread. ;)
Ariana, xoxo.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
.
can someone please tell me stop eating everything that comes in sight, even though i have the option and rights to refuse all i want, because i can't seem to stop although i know my consequences and the fat that will hang off of me. can someone please tell me off, just tell me to stop and breathe because it's not working when i tell myself and everything is rushrunblur even though i'm sitting here sipping tea and ignoring the four presentations, three tests, and english project that is worth 10% of my term mark that i'm not doing and is due this week. can someone please tell me what is WRONG with me and why i cannot follow instructions and why my routine has dissappeared?? i just need someone to tell tell how fucked up i am for not controlling myself, and that if i don't get my ass back in shape, i'm going to be a worthless cow. terrify me, please.
why am i typing and not using proper puncutations and not writing in shorter sentences because my mind cannot stop. why are these thoughts going a hundred miles per hour and not thinking about the things that are important and need to be done. why am i complaining on a blog when no one really wants to listen to my rants because really, that's all i seem to do. why do i want to cry but no tears are pouring down my face?
this is bizaare, and not like me. well yes, completely like me.
next saturday i'm going to a formal party and i really don't want to go with my thin friends because i look terrible in dresses although i love them and would be happy to wear them for the rest of my life if i lost about thirty pounds. i need to be thin, thinner, thinnest. i want to be cold and fragile looking and always need hugs because i might just freeze in this arctic wind and be blown away like my thoughts.
now, i'm off to drink tea, watch anime, and think about doing that homework although it will never get done.
ariana, xoxo.
why am i typing and not using proper puncutations and not writing in shorter sentences because my mind cannot stop. why are these thoughts going a hundred miles per hour and not thinking about the things that are important and need to be done. why am i complaining on a blog when no one really wants to listen to my rants because really, that's all i seem to do. why do i want to cry but no tears are pouring down my face?
this is bizaare, and not like me. well yes, completely like me.
next saturday i'm going to a formal party and i really don't want to go with my thin friends because i look terrible in dresses although i love them and would be happy to wear them for the rest of my life if i lost about thirty pounds. i need to be thin, thinner, thinnest. i want to be cold and fragile looking and always need hugs because i might just freeze in this arctic wind and be blown away like my thoughts.
now, i'm off to drink tea, watch anime, and think about doing that homework although it will never get done.
ariana, xoxo.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Well, I'm back. Not at 100lbs, but I'm back for sure. I knew from the beginning I wouldn't be able to stay away, I just typed on impulse. Way to go Ariana. Fuck, I'm probably heavier than when I left. I want to be thin so bad, but my control and motivation just slip sometimes. Then I'll be sitting on the bathroom floor at night, shaking and crying because I can't live with what I am.
J is getting in my head. He temporarily convinced me I was okay the way I was, when I am most definitely not. His last girlfriend gives me motivation; tall, thin, beyond pretty. I've come to the conclusion he's only calling me beautiful because that's a boyfriend thing. He's obviously lying, because I can't figure out what the fuck he sees in me. I need to stop listening to him and do what I want to fucking do.
ANYWAYS, I have a new plan pour moi. Since it's December, I will start off easy. You're probably wondering what the fuck I'm on, but this is what I'm doing. Every single day has to be under 1000 calories. No fucking binges, or no Christmas presents for me. 500 is preferred, but I'll mix it up to keep my metabolism going. I don't think I'll have the guts to go past 800 unless I have that binge feeling, but I can't fuck this up.
Therefore, today is day one! So far I have had 100 calories, and tonight I will have dinner and that will be all. Lots of water, no food.
I will post pictures at 105lbs. Whenever that is. :\
Ariana, xoxo.
J is getting in my head. He temporarily convinced me I was okay the way I was, when I am most definitely not. His last girlfriend gives me motivation; tall, thin, beyond pretty. I've come to the conclusion he's only calling me beautiful because that's a boyfriend thing. He's obviously lying, because I can't figure out what the fuck he sees in me. I need to stop listening to him and do what I want to fucking do.
ANYWAYS, I have a new plan pour moi. Since it's December, I will start off easy. You're probably wondering what the fuck I'm on, but this is what I'm doing. Every single day has to be under 1000 calories. No fucking binges, or no Christmas presents for me. 500 is preferred, but I'll mix it up to keep my metabolism going. I don't think I'll have the guts to go past 800 unless I have that binge feeling, but I can't fuck this up.
Therefore, today is day one! So far I have had 100 calories, and tonight I will have dinner and that will be all. Lots of water, no food.
I will post pictures at 105lbs. Whenever that is. :\
Ariana, xoxo.
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